Saturday, September 30 BRITTLE LIFE>I feel rather upset... why is it life is sooo brittle... Today one of my patients under my care passed away. Although she was quite weak and ill looking I was really not expecting her to pass away, or at least not to pass away during my shift... When my junior told me, that the patient was unarousable, I faster put down all my things and ran to the patient trying to wake her up... Then the staff nurse in charge of me, Xu Yi told me to get a grip on myself and my job was to inform the doctor... After that I still had to continue on with my job and serve my afternoon meds... as if nothing had happened. As today was rather busy, Xu Yi helped me handle the death procedures as it was already time to pass report and i still had quite alot of stuff to do. Sometimes I wonder whether I am improving or not...
And today i got scolded quite alot of times. Mostly due to my carelessness... I now have the fear of handling controlled drugs. I feel that whenever i handle them, something is bound to happen... Haiz...
After work I went for my induction programme retest and this time i got 28 out of 30 which is a vast improvement from last time it was only 16 out of 30. Well... My studying did not go down the drain.... haha...
But another bad news arrived when I was finishing the test. The Nokia shop called and said my handphone parts had been corroded by the carrot juice and its unrepairable... so they asked me to come collect the phone to say my last good bye. haha.... looks i have to go around hunting for a new phone...
After the test i went for the oncology support group meeting conducted by sister lian... then she asked me to join and be involved in planning activities... But i really dunno about that...
Tuesday, September 26 >Today was a rather blessed day for me. I can see I am getting the gist of working life... Only that I have really forgetful genes and like to leave things lying around. And because of this i got quite a few scoldings... Today before i signed out my preceptor was asking me if i am on the same shift as her. Unfortunately I am not... Then she gave a very disapointed voice and said , why we cannot be together, then we can slog together... We both burst out laughing... Then she said we both make a very disastrous pair cause things always go wrong our shift when we are together... She herself is quite jinxed... add another jinko is disastrous... hehe... Then she said maybe its because she has not gone to church for a long time already... I agree with her. Maybe god is trying to tell something to me...
Then after I came home and bathed and changed, my brother asked whether i would like to go 7-11 with him and we both took a walk there... In the end he bought a sarsi while i bought a bottle of kickapoo... But it feels good to take a stroll at night sometimes... anyways tomorrow i dun have to wake up so early cause I am having afternoon shift .
Monday, September 25 HEALTH IS WEALTH>Just came back from work at around 6 and i feel so exhausted... Today initially we had plans to celebrate my dad's birthday which is tomorrow... But I guess my dad had his plans... so I guess we will just celebrate it some other day...
I just have the urge to drink coke and eat potato chips and eat myself to my death which is exactly what i am doing now...May i become a big fat pig one day...
I think one day i might eventually fall sick from this lifestyle... i was looking into the mirror and i no longer have the pinkness from my cheeks... I look rather pale. There are eye bags under my eyes and i look so haggard. Today from the time i woke up to now i only ate one cup of instant noodles (which i brought to work) . Now i feel hungry yet have no apetite... Maybe one day I may be a patient in the ward...
Today one of my patients wanted to give me a basket of fruits but i refused it cause i dun like receiving gifts unless the patient has been discharged... She told me, she does not know how to thank me for taking care of her although she find herself very troublesome... I told her if she wants to thank me, she must get well then i dun mind receiving her gifts...
Another patient who was sort of ok yesterday , condition deteriorated drastically today as the cancer cells had spread to the spine and brain... Then the doctor was saying to be prepared for the worst... as the cancer had already spread too far to other organs.... Then 20 over ppl came to visit that patient (who was sorta confused) and they were all crying... I feel so sad when i see ppl crying. Sometimes i feel like crying along with them, and for a moment i almost did...
I dunno why i am suddenly saying all this out but i just feel like it.
Sunday, September 24 JUST MY LUCK>Recently i find I have not been in the best of luck... I am not paranoid but sometimes i feel so jinxed, like when i am there something bad will surely happen...I never used to be the person to believe in luck but recently I look around and see that some ppl aRE ALWATS MORE BLEssed than other while others are always "dao mei" getting themselves into trouble.Haiz... or am i just trying to find a reason for all of this happening...
Yesterday was alina's chalet bbq but i dunno why i feel so fatigued when i got there.... was it because of the flu jab i took before hand or is it because that day was quite a mentally taxing day... I really felt brain dead...Though my body was there my mind was already sleeping... Well no matter how tired i am i will surely go because its my friend's birthday... And not just any normal friend. But the food was definately nice though I did not eat alot...
After that i went home by taking a cab and after washing up straight away plopped on my bed as if i never sleep for gazillion years... but now i still feel rather sleepy. Not tired but sleepy... haha...Today is afternoon shift and hopefully its a good day... I think i am going to be the junior today so it wun be that baD... haha!!! # posted by Jolyn |
12:42 AM
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Friday, September 22 HAIZ>Haiz... i can't believe this... i am never going to drink carrot juice again... Just now when i was having dinner with Pei li, she said something that made me suddenly feel excited and i just lifted my hands and accidently spilled the carrot juice i was drinking onto myself and my bag. I really didn't know so much carrot juice went into my bag , and whats worse I did not realise my handphone was in my bag. i thought it was safely tucked away in some pocket corner. In the end its all soaked with carrot juice and my brother is trying now to use a hair dryer to get rid of all the mist that is appearing in the screen. But he told me to prepare for the worst because it still can't seem to function... Haiz...I feel rather sad . Whats worst is the warranty sticky is unreadable due to the carrot juice. Then he said why do these things always happen to me... I said i did not know... Then he said i am very careless... Maybe i could not care less... But its just so frustrating sometimes...How can i be less careless....
Tomorrow is morning shift and i suddenly dun feel like going to work... Maybe cause of the handphone incident... After work will still have to go for alina's bbq 21st birthday party... We already got a surprise gift for her... Hehe.
Wednesday, September 20 NOT SO GOOD DAY...>Today was probably a not so good day for me... As a matter of fact, its not good at all. Today was supposed to be afternoon shift but at 7.45 in the morning i was awaken by a call from the ward telling me that I am supposed to be having morning shift today... When i think about it i feel so wronged and rather irritated that no one bothered to tell me about the roster changes... The management is so screwed up... I think they only changed the roster like yesterday (when i was having my break ) or the day before yesterday... I just find it very inconsiderate...But what am i to do... I am just a small fry...
And today I did a stupidly horrible mistake... I think its a really big responsibility to be accountable for the recovery of very sick ppl sometimes... especially when u are in charge of 9 to 10... but because of something i did (or rather what I didn't do springing from my unobserveness). I almost cause adverse effects on a patient... sometimes its hard not to dislike urself when u let urself down...
Well fret not... tomorrow will be a better day. Its my off and i will be going out for a thai buffet at parkway with one of my favorite aunties.... hehe...
>All... please watch the show "The Devil wears Prada". Its damn nice. I give it 4.5 stars out of 5!!!!
Ganbatte all of u!!!
FUN DAY>Yesterday i really enjoyed myself thoroughly... It was sooo nice . I went to work and found out I am only the In charge for 6 patients and there was this really nice staff nurse from A side to help me... Haha... then she kept on commenting I am so messy... and always leave my things around... The only probem is that my room got 2 chemo cases and both are using chemo or pherisible line... Up to now, I think my main weakness is dealing with chemo, cvc or pherisible line (the lines that come from neck veins), cause u have to be sterile as u can, Sometimes I am just not careful enough.But i found out though there are mood swing ppl, there are some really nice ppl... like one of my sisters she kept on telling me to ask her if I am not sure... I was just sooo touched.
When up was putting up the chemo for one of my patients, my other colleagues who are on leave today like Jolene and Jacqueline came back to "fetch" me from work. After bathing, we went to suntec for our k box session... But because of this imf thingy the whole are was barracaded... then we had to walk one big round thru marina square to millenia walk to suntec... Guan Yi and Shirley (same batch as me) joined us later... But the singing session really was very nice.. I think we ate about 10 bowls of nuts cause we were all so hungry...and we sang from 4 to 5 hours.I think we are just so different when we are in uniform and home clothes... In home clothes we all become our own normal selves... For most of us we become post teenagers again... and very much crazy... haha
After that there was no where to eat except macdonalds, so we ate that b4 going back.
I guess these type of outings do help to bond u further and sometimes i just like to plan... haha...
But I think after today working will be a bit more bearable to me... cause i know there are ppl i can lean on for encouragement to spur me on and to pray with...
All of us are so different , with our own good points... but we make a great bunch, hehe...
I am still thinking whether or not to go back to school to borrow the oncology book... I feel rather lazy. Today is my off for this week... hehe. in the afternoon will be going out with Jenny to watch a movie... i want to watch "the devil wears prada"... hehe
Monday, September 18 >I am sooo dead now... Now is already 2 am.. and I have less than 3 hours before I have to wake up for morning shift later on... Dunno why, i just can't seem to sleep. No matter how much i toss and turn so i just decided to read my story book which i rented from tampines. Its called "PS... I Love You" but i am still feeling so alert I just can't stand it... i know tomorrow morning I will be so dead tired... Blame me for staying up late the past few nights... And I am also quite excited cause tomorrow will be going out with my colleagues after work... it really makes me happy cause i find bonding is really important.... And maybe I am the sort of person that likes to plan outings to bond... Its good to encourage one another in times of need.
But i have been thinking. I have probably matured alot more in the pass 3 months than what i matured in the pass 3 years in school... In terms of physical I still look around the same but my dad said i now look around 18 or 19 compared to last time i look around 17 . Maybe the only weakness i have is i am quite blur... dunno why also... Maybe I need to eat more fish or drink brands essense of chicken and get more sleep (which I am obviously not doing). Sometimes i can't stand my blurness and will feel like knocking my own head. Even my preceptor said i am blur and always like to leave my pens or name chop lying around. (it can always be found on the nurses table or in the files, or my pocket).
After 3 years what will become of... will i still be the same or will i become a very professional individual... I guess i will be professional... But i hope i dun lose my smile. And I hope i dun lose the simplicity of life...cause sometimes i find ppl's mindsets are much too complex.... When actually it could be simple...After 3 years what will he become like... and another 3 years and another 3 years. Its really ok... i doubt i will ever see him. Was just wondering... Something u do in the middle of the night. All rightie ... will go to sleep now.
SERENITY>I just woke up from a 2 hour nap and so far this has been the most refreshing rest I have gotten in a long time... Maybe the short break from work has done me good. it does not mean every day i have gone out making myself so exhauseted... I mean i did go out quite often but I also spent some times at home resting... I guess thats what I needed... I realise i cannot go on in life without surrendering everything to the one up there who is in control... Cause i have been stubbornly holding on refusing to let him take control...
This morning I went for service but i decided not to go for cell cause I feel I dun quite fit into cell group anymore.. probably I think too much.. i dunno. i just feel guitly that I am not able to give them my time, any committment of mine... Week after week I tell them the same old excuse that i cannot make it cause I have work... Btw its a fact... My work has eaten up on my spiritual life (and not only spiritual life for that matter). I dunno , maybe I will go back to my cell group the next time... I wonder how they are. i wonder if they remember me...
But sitting into the church service did do me good.. suddenly i felt surrounded by god's presence, by god's ppl. Suddenly i felt safe. And today after many days I finally picked up my bible to do my quiet time.,.. And i found a passage that suits my inner being... About just surrendering everything to God and casting all your cares on him cause he cares for you.In this way we can remain peaceful even if we are in life's tossed sea.We just have to learn to let go and let God take control...
Tomorrow will be morning shift. I think I will be in charge of 12 patients tomorrow but suddenly i dun feel scared anymore... Just surrender all my worries to him and do my best. After that I planned a outing with my colleagues to sing k box... then they can hear my melodious voice... Hehe!!!
Sunday, September 17 >I prayed for a break from work and I finally got it... though i dun really know what to do on such a short notice... Somehow there seems to be an emptiness in my heart, like some sot of vacuum which i have especially felt after i started working. i really dunno why... Times when i sleep but i still wake up feeling mentally tired...
Today I went out with Jenny and Eve to go shopping at Far East Plaza... in the end I only bought a bag for work... After that we ate Turkish food for dinner. Its really nice and autenthic... something i would want to eat for a change. After that we chatted. its really nice to know everyone is going on well in their lives... I guess i really have to get over the fact thaT I also have to go on in my life and stop living in the past. Today is a present to us, thats why we call it a present! Anyways Eveline will be going for her Lasik surgery on tuesday so i would like to wish her all the best... Maybe one day I will also go for Lasik... after i get my braces... haha!!! then i will be no more Miss Buck Tooth...
Now is the time to get my life back in order. I find it messed up already... start loving myself again.
Friday, September 8 >Hi. its really been a while since I last blogged> Life has been pretty tough but somehow i managed to get by. I guess humans have this amazing capability to adapt under any circumstance... Work is something I enjoy, but to me its just work... Something I spend alot of time for. When its life to enjoy or just hang out or slack its something else. My walk with God has been really weakened during this period. In fact I feel so dry under I feel like a shrivelled prune. Sometimes my life gets so mundane trying to catch up in this rat race which i brought upon myself that I dun get much time to really pause and smell the flowers or get a time too really sit down and reflect. I dunno if its because i erase god from from my life that I feel so empty sometimes... Haiz...
~ Me ~
Name; Jolyn Choo
Age: 19 years
Birthday: December 30
School: Nanyang Poly SHS Nursing Year 3
Place of Work: SGH
CCA: NYP TKd, Geo Council, CSC
~ Loves ~
- rainbows
- smiles on ppl's faces
- food!
- surprises!
- letters
- watching stars at night
- lilies
- tv
~ Loathes ~
- cockroaches
- heights
- backstabbers
- boredom (nothing to do)
~ Wishlist ~
- to be a great nurse
- to have a happy and healthy family
- to be contented and be able to enjoy simple pleasures of life
- to see a rainbow
- lots of food everyday
- to save more money to buy clothes
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