* God Bless you!*
6 weeks of PRCP attachment attachment in SGH ward 48 Medical - oncology (cancer) ward. God please give me the strength and discipline for this attachment. Pray I can learn the skills to become a good staff nurse! Pray that I can be a positive influence to my patients be it in there recovery or their last days of their lives. I will surely pray that u bless them in aspects of their lives, cause only u can do the unimaginable.
First day of attachment today, went thru a pretty boring orientation... tomorrow start work... Jia YOU to all those having PRCP too... Though we not together we going thru roughly the same challenges.
I used to be someone that was very soft and would give in to everyone but then something happened so I decided not to show my niceness of myself to this world cause I am scared of getting bitten again... Sometimes I say hurtful things to others to sort of protect myself. Cause although I know its good to be nice but niceness is sometimes taken advantage of. I think I am not capable of being god's child who is compassionate to those around me cause I find it very hard to be compassionate to ppl that take advantage of my kindness... so conclusion. I think I will only show my kindness to ppl I think necessarily need it but for those I am not trustworthy of or dun really know the person I will not be nice to them.
Today or should I say yesterday is quite a spectacular day for me. How should i explain it... I will just start when I went to church yesterday on sunday morning. I have not gone to church for a month already lor. So i feel damn guilty to show my face in front of my cell... but good thing today there is no cell at all... just service. And there is this speaker from somewhere else who teaches us on the power of prayer. The whole sermon was basically about Luke 11 : jesus teaching about prayer. There is no formula on the perfect prayer rather its the posture of the heart thats of utmost importance. And the key point is when praying God will give u the holy spirit which is the gift of god or something like that. Then i was like... , why do i need the holy spirit for (though i know its good ... theoretically). Nevertheless the speaker is convincing enough so i take his words for it.
So I went home and continued studying and there was a point when i reached point 0 and nothing could get into my head, no mood and 0 concentration level. Even when ppl try to encourage me it can't sink in... I have to admit I am rarely like that. So I sort of reach a state of anxiety. Then I decided i should stop and rest for awhile... After that, i was just slacking around and lying on my mom's bed when i thought of praying. I did not pray for the exams specificially, rather i just prayed that the holy spirit will come and guide me now, cause i really feel helpless and vulnerable. A few moments after when i was still lying down and about to sleep there is this verse that flashed in my mind.
Philipians 3: 6-8
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guide your hearts and minds in Christ jesus.
Woah i had no idea i still remembered that verse. Shocked that it suddenly popped in my brain i just slacked for a while b4 eating and then watching a bit of tv. After coming back to my studies i suddenly felt this weird energetic surge in me to study and my hands were feeling warm . Ok maybe ppl would say i was hyper after eating but its a really extraordinary feeling . And I felt alot of joy in my heart. I really dunno how to describe the feeling but its really indescribable. I mean i got tonnes of work to finish. But that time i suddenly felt the interest in studying was there . Different from wat i was feeling b4. Then b4 i went to sleep i reached a point that I was so happy i even sang myself to sleep. (I know ppl must be saying must send this girl to imh already)
Ok, then comes the freaky part. I was sleeping and i reached a point when i got a nightmare. In the dream I am in my own room doing something. Then i see someone in the mirror reflection looking back at me. Then the person suddenly comes out and grabs hold of me and pulls me down on the floor. I try to struggle and fight against it. But funnily i can't seem to wake up though i try, and i can't move at all, and when i try to scream, nothing comes out. This is seriously not the first time I had these sort of dreams. In fact it happened a few times to me since secondary school. Then I just tried to pray and pray and started singing "Shout to the lord". But this time the thing said " Surrender to the devil"....It was damn freakky but then i continue praying lor. And after a while the thing disappeared and i woke up in a rahter terrified state.
Actually i wouldn't say i am stressed out. In fact i feel quite fine and calm now. I mean i admit i had anxious thoughts some part of the day but that was just now... Maybe I am too tired ba...
Hehe. going to go back sleep now.. ciao!!!
Its late at night but I am thinking of something... something of the past but i suddenly just thought of it ...
I was thinking of one of my friends in secondary school whom I was quite close to... I think the first time i saw him was in the canteen when i was just sitting on the benches (actually got reason for sitting there... hehe) waiting for the school bell to ring. He was a guy sitting across me and a there were few other of my friends around such as Kavi and roslinda. So i decided to make friends with him and we clicked quite well and soon became good friends. And we sorta formed a group in which we would spend recesses and eat breakfast together. Me and that guy even became pen pals and would write to each other even though we saw each other every other day and kavi would always be the letter boy (poor kavi)... hehe. It was really nice having him as a friend. And when we went home sometimes we would call each other and both of us would sometimes go running around the reservoir together... I think we could be considered good pals in which we could confide anything in. Once he even drew me and gave the picture to me . During valentines day he gave me a pink cloth perfumed flower (which i still have btw. but not so sweet smelling anymore) as a gift. My friend told me he liked me but i didn't really believe.
After I graduated we would sometimes call each other but that was pretty much all and a few times he dropped by my work place. Then we did not contact each other until the christmas when i was in yr 1. I messaged him during christmas and he asked me to be his girlfriend. But then i said no cause i really dun have that sort of feeling for him and never thought of him that way. After that I seldom contacted him cause everytime i did he would ask me the same question and i would feel very guilty but at least i gave him a direct answer (dunno whether its better to be soft hearted or hard hearted in this sort of things). He told me after army if i was still unattached he would then willingly be my boyfriend. I just told him I would treat it like he did not say anything. And that was the last time I messaged him. (i really feel mean...)
Yesterday, i found out he just got attached recently and I feel happy for him. Now when i see the cloth flower i dun have to feel so bad about it cause i know he got what he wanted ... someone who would treasure him for who he is. For me I chose to treasure him as a friend. Can say its my loss since he was such a nice person. To accept someone cause i dun want to hurt them or because i really like the person is two different things. What is it to like someone, sometimes the meaning or the feeling is so ill defined... Anyways i dun think i will get any answers thinking about it. But i am thankful that the person liked me for who I am though I did not give him the answer he wanted. But then I feel I did the right thing (cause the feeling just wasn't right... dunno how to explain). In my heart i wish him eternal happiness with the one he loves... (i feel so cheesy until my goose bumps are coming out).
A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a loving couple and the boy was the gem of their eyes. When the boy was around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle open.
He was late for office so he asked his wife to cap the bottle and keep it in the cupboard. His wife, preoccupied in the kitchen totally forgot the matter.
The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle fascinated by its colour and drank it all. It happened to be a poisonous medicine meant for adults in small dosages. When the child collapsed the mother hurried him to the hospital. He died. The mother was stunned. She was terrified how she was going to face her husband.
When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child, he looked at his wife and uttered just five words.
QUESTIONS :
1. What were the five words ?
2. What is the implication of this story?
ANSWER :
The husband just said "I am with you Darling". The husband's totally unexpected reaction is a proactive behaviour. The child is dead. He can never be brought back to life. There is no point in finding fault with the wife. Besides, if only he had taken time to keep the bottle away, this would not have happened.
No one is to be blamed. She had also lost her only child. What she needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband. That is what he gave her. If everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective, there would be much fewer problems in the world.
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears. And you will find things are actually not as difficult as you think.
MORAL OF THE STORY
This story is really worth reading. Sometimes we spend time in asking who is responsible or whom to blame, whether in a relationship, in a job or with the people we know. By this way we miss out some warmth in human relationship.
Feel really uncomfortable, uneasy and cranky now, and much of what i studying can't seem to register in... In the school library now, but i suddenly dun feel like seeing anyone, just feel like being alone. Sometimes i like socialising and like company, sometimes i just want to be left in my own world. In times like these just want ppl to treat me as invisible. Dun understand what i thinking also sometimes... This song rather sad feeling. Its some japanese song I got from the drama, "At Dolphin Bay"
I'm just feeling so sianz now...
Was thinking about the previous post in which I complained a bit about my club. I think everyone has a part to play to contribute to what it is today. And i have to say i have not been very supportive also, only wanting to get but never really giving. I just can't help it, I am not really myself sometimes when i go there. I really want to go back but then I know I am going to have to go thru attachments and start work soon. Can i still commit... Should I give it another shot. I also know I can't do it alone...
Or should i drop it fully and get y grading card and join another club. I really dunno. I only know i dun want to drop it totally now.
And another thing is about my prcp schedule. SGH is the only hospital (i think) that has not released the schedule yet. It is really keeping us in suspense in the ward we will practice and soon to be staff nurses for 6 weeks. Pray to God that he will let me go where he wants me to go (it better be good). Really anxious about prcp...
And here i am posting again. In the afternoon went out with Jenny and her mum to watch "The Shaggy Dog". Its a good family comedy, but i would have to say big Momma's House 2 was better. Haha!!! Right now i am thinking about anything except my studies. Thinking about the trip to malaysia me and my friends planning to go after prcp. I will have to start saving... so excited! really!
people have been telling me and I personally feel like I have been putting on weight recently. I hate it when i smile and i have big fat cheeks. They have potential for being squeezed and commented as cute which is not so good for someone who is 20 already. In fact i find it quite insulting. And my tummy is starting to show (no, no I am not pregnant). Those dreaded spare tires... haiz. Whoe asked me to train so hard last time and when i stop they all become fats. Maybe tomorrow morning I should go take a run around bedok reservoir.
Trying to stuff facts into my puny little brain in this brain scorching hot hot weather... Now reading up on behaviour modification. Its a really interesting topic but the theory part takes away the fun from learning... thats what i think, maybe i am not a really theory person.
Exams are just next week and I only just started studying like ... today. But its ok, whats most important is to study with understanding (yeah sayang, let me try to pat and console myself... hehe).
Over weekend went to ntu to support nyp in the inter varsity competition for pattern teams and sparring. However i am more interested in sparring.. hehe... my friend tuna was sparring and she won her opponent 7-1 I think... really very proud of her and lok. Cause i know they really put in alot of effort in training. I Really like tkd but dun like the feeling of being in the club, so much politics (what should i call it)... Its not only me who feels like this. Quite a few others (in fact, alot of others) have told me the same thing. Sometimes i feel like such a redundant person there. If u can't be in the "in group" you are an extra... and they dun care for ur welfare at all... Haiz. dun feel like saying already... Being there sometimes sucks the spirit out of me... Should I blame myself for being the way I am or is there some major problem with the club itself. Sometimes i really admire Lok and Tuna cause they always had each other throughout. Suffer together, be together... Work hard together, achieve a goal together. For me I joined together with kavi and alot of other ppl but they all left (I think mostly due to same reason). I dun blame them for leaving also cause alot of time i have wanted to. So i have come to a stage where i drag my feet there. But i still love to spar and i still love tkd... I really really do.
Jenny was right in one thing, no matter what, ppl are very important whether in taekwondo or nursing or any job. If u got supportive ppl, no matter how difficult the job it will still be a joy. If the ppl dun give a damn abt u, it will take lots of internal strength and be quite draining even if its a simple job. I hope in my job i dun reach a point when i drag myself to work everyday.
My last day in school already... Today came to school with verna and kavi and ate breakfast together... Will miss them, will miss everything whether big or small... as the chinese saying goes "Tian Xia mei you bu san de yan xi" which means there is no feast that does not end. No matter how sometimes I want to relive those memories, they will just be memories. Ultimately everyone has a life to live which goes forwards and not backwards... Feeling sleepy now, probably going to do some tutorial that suppose to present today.
Verna was telling me that if u look at ur hand and your fourth finger is longer than your index finger it means ur post natal testostorone is higher, meaning when you are younger you behave more like a boy. Both our hands' fourth finger is a bit longer than our index finger... No wonder both of us used to be tomboys when we were younger. Last time I never used to play with Barbie Dolls. The only one I had, i cut off her hair until she was almost bald. My favorite cartoon was Teenage mutant ninja turtles, Dark wing duck and Captain planet. My hair was always cut into a tomboy hairstyle and I loved to compete with ppl arm wrestling, especially in primary school. Then when I was around secondary school i really wanted to join taekwondo but my mother refused cause she said i am too rough (though I dun look like it, i am). When i joined taekwondo in poly my sir told me I should train up for sparring, I could excel. But then now I feel maybe i could be losing that testostorone, I dun feel so much like being so rough anymore, maybe my life is losing its colour... haha
Picture taken yesterday at Chan's sister's shop
Me, jenny (my jie), alina and eveline
my best friends!
I have been thinking of this story alot recently especially soon when i will be going through alot of changes. Here is a very meaningful story for all to read that inspire me alot... haha
Carrot, Egg or Coffee Bean?
You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl.
She then pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.
The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, Mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity -- boiling water -- but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor of your life. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate to another level?
How do you handle adversity? Are you changed by your surroundings or do you bring life, flavor, to them?
ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN? ~ Author Unknown ~
I hope me and all those around me can be coffee beans in life.
My God, I have never thanked Thee for my thorns! I have thanked Thee a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear, teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed to Thee by the path of pain. Show me that my tears have made my rainbow.
Woke up in very good spirits today cause i have finished all my projects and there is no school today. Was just messaging verna about meeting to go school with her on friday although she starts at 8 and I start at 10, then maybe can call kavi along. I figured this is our last week of school so i dun mind making the effort to wake up a bit earlier. Who knows, we may never have a chance to go school together. (Verna... I even bought for u the orange charmander soft toy that u wanted!)
Later on will be meeting Chan, jenny, jacueline, eveline and alina at PS there to eat something the watch the movie Big Momma's House 2. I heard its damn farnie. Just feel so excited and light hearted today... Hehe. Besides that Chan said she will bring her camera so we shall take lots of pictures. Then when the photos are all ready I decided to buy a photo album to paste all my pictures... hehe... so happy. I just think I am someone very easily contented in life. Then can go and buy yarn from Spotlight... need to teach jenny's sister how to kniwtor else she come after me. Jenny said we should also make a trip to the tour agency to plan a trip to malaysia after PRCP.... So excited!!!
I realise even in a group of friends or project mates everyone is different in his or own special way. Some ppl (friends) may be the quiet one who likes to listen to other ppl's problems, some may be the joker, some may be the one who takes the initiative to plan things, some may be the follower and compromiser, some may the enthusiastic one or some is the wild freak etc... In a project there are some ppl better in words or coming up with new ideas, some may be better in doing arts and craft work, some are made to follow while others are made to lead. I think its because of these differences among us that some of us find ourselves in alot of conflict... is it possible to look at these differences and turn it in a positive light. Cause God created all of us differently. If we can click and get along together its like a jugsaw puzzl that has fit perfectly. However, if there is disagreement its like a jigsaw puzzle that does not fit... Whatever it is i still believe although i see alot of differences I choose to believe that everyone should be given a chance to express their true positive qualities. N one is redundant, everyone is a gift from god! I dunno whether this thinking is naive or not... haha...
My group of friends told each other we must make it a point to meet in the month during each others birthday. When i think i am ending my schooling life and going into the working world i feel very "xin han" ... Haiz. Who knew three years would pass so fast. So far it has been the best 3 years of my life, but when i think back i can't figure out what i did. Have i grown and matured.?...I think i have but i am still stuck in a body that looks like 15... What will i be doing in the 3 years to come. Some of my friends of the same age group are already planning get married (whoa , thats way too early for me) but hope god blesses their marriage. Would I meet anyone that would accept me even though i have alot of shortcomings, even though I am plain looking, even though i dun act gentle. Sometimes I think there isn't anyone meant for me or none that i feel anything for... haha... But at this point of time i not really thinking about it also. Sometimes the more you want something, the more u dun get it... so i decided to leave it to god. Besides that i have a small small wish in my heart. I hope I can go third world countries and help the ppl with my nursing skills. But dunno whether will be able to go or not since i am bonded by my hospital. But it has always been a dream of mine.
Time flies. next week will be the study break for exams, and the week after that will be exam. Following 6 weeks after exams will be my last attachment - PRCP... Eeks.. hope i can make it. I hope I can eventually learn to be a staff nurse that brings a positive impact to others and brings a smile on my patients faces!
This is like my longest post recently. finally found the inspiration to write... haha!!!
Programme highlight for next few days: chionging project (interesting???... nah . I dun have a choice, just tahan ba)
I was just looking through the notes for my project on problem solving and decision making in nursing management and suddenly thought of myself. If there is one negative point about me it would be that i am not a very good decision maker. Sometimes small small decisions like what to eat or what to wear i will take very long to think through. It could be said that i am pretty fickle minded. But its quite surprising that I am quite firm when i make bigger or life changing decisions, like when i took nursing (even when some ppl around me objected to it, i still stook to my decision, very much alone though...)
I dunno how next time it will be when i start work and have to decide on things. Hopefully it wun be so bad. According to my lecture notes a effective decision maker is suppose to be knowlegable, confident, assertive, proactive, flexible, accept responsibility for consequences and have the ability to focus. I think there are some ppl who have these traits in my class such as Richard and Jenny and maybe even yelly and hafiz. As for me, i still have a lot to learn especially in the confidence part. Can I improve, maybe thru experience.
The pass few days has truly been an immensely fun time. A pity that we did not take alot of photos. Now as i am writing this blog entry I am looking at the manicure (my first one in my life) I did with you guys. Its slightly dark pink in colour. I am also reminded of the time we all played Daytona and i did not even know how to accelerate. Also the time I played the Jurassic Park shooting game with Alina and kept on jumping about when i saw the dinosaur charging at me (I am such a gan chiong person). I also remember the time on the first night when me and eve could not get to sleep so we went out to take a walk but all the shops were closed. In the end we just chatted in our room until 2 something and ended up eating instant noodles. God Bless you girl, may you be strong where ever you go. Sometimes I know you are sad, I just dunno what words I could say to comfort you. I am sure what could be said has been said already. Sometimes I see your eyes teary but I figured i should not say anything about it.
And yesterday when we were holding the bbq i sorta got irritated cause never got to eat anything much and i was grouchy cause had heat stroke from my afternoon in "Wild wild wet" but i learnt something from a casual remark from one of my friends bf when i just happened to be talking to him. People gather in a bbq for food, but most importantly its because of just getting together. Makes me wonder why I was so paranoid about not enough food yesterday. Inthe end there was more than enough food. Food is just secondary, getting together was the main reason. This is just a mini thought but its also a small lesson.
Talking about food, the kueh paiti made by Alina's mum, white chicken made by chan and Carrot cake made by Eve's father on the first day was marvellous. I ate so much of the Kueh pai ti.
I got home around 12 but after that I just just onto my bed and slept a whole 3 hours of real deep sleep. Not that the beds in the chalet are no good, but nothing beats Home Sweet Home. This week is my one week break but just planning to finish my 2 projects with the remaining time I have left. If I pass by Carreforr I will buy the key board so hopefully can take keyboard lessons asap.
3 days 2 nights chalet at Downtown East has ended. After it I sorta feel a sense of loss, this is the outing we have before exams and our final attachment... Memories in my head are playing like a film without sound. No matter how much I hate time to continue on and go it will still flow by. I cannot control it. I am one of the victims being thrown in the sea with a tsunami with no power over the waves. No matter how hard we swim it still cannot beat the overwhelming strength of the waves. The only thing I can do is try to treasure every second that I am living and do my best to swim in the direction that has been planned.
That day when me and my friends were telling each other how "yi yi bu she" we are of leaving NYP, jacqueline asked us, "You all really love NYP sooo much?" Its not exactly loving NYP , its missing the memories we have bulit over the 3 years and all this happened in a place called NYP. Once we leave this place we wun be able to see each other like we did every day until god knows when (unless we work together). Off course I will also miss my study time too.
Name; Jolyn Choo
Age: 19 years
Birthday: December 30
School: Nanyang Poly SHS Nursing Year 3
Place of Work: SGH
CCA: NYP TKd, Geo Council, CSC
- rainbows
- smiles on ppl's faces
- food!
- surprises!
- letters
- watching stars at night
- lilies
- tv
- cockroaches - heights - backstabbers - boredom (nothing to do)
~ Wishlist ~- to be a great nurse - to have a happy and healthy family - to be contented and be able to enjoy simple pleasures of life - to see a rainbow - lots of food everyday - to save more money to buy clothes
* Speak Up *
