Thursday, April 27 >The past few days have been so tiring until I just feel like coming back home to sleep after work. Then after that just eat a bit, watch a bit of tv and go back and sleep. Then its work again... its like a vicious cycle... I feel like next time when I start work it will be exactly the same. Sometimes I see my staff nurse in charge has no time to even go break, go toilet.. I really hate to say it but its as if they have no life... # posted by Jolyn |
11:40 PM
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Monday, April 24 >What is stress... Is it something that comes from within us or comes from our environment. I think I have been giving myself too much stress over work on how I might seems in other people's expectations that I feel frustrated sometimes... Sometimes I dun have to take things so seriously... I am not fully competent cause I am still learning the ropes now but I should not be pressurising myself too much... So I decided to take it slow and easy and just learn as much as I can in the day... People have their reasons to be nasty. If I were in there positions what would I be like. Its only when I can overcome this stage in my soon to be job that I can really be a capable staff nurse... No one said the process would be easy. I would have never thought it was that tough but since i am already stuck here with no way out I will just have to pick myself up from where I left...
Sunday, April 23 >Just came back from k boxing with angelina at tampines. Its the first time she went to sing K and she enjoyed it immensely. We were discussing when is the next time we want to go... Initially we planned to have a picnic at pasir ris beach in the evening under the stars and just chat and listen to some music, then it started raining so we met at tampines instead. We ate Long John Silvers... Then she told me I owe her 90 bucks for adopting the child from Ethiopia... well its for a good cause so I dun mind...
Really dunno how i can tahan church tomorrow. Hope i dun sleep through it.
Really happy I went to sing my hearts out today, cause my week has been stressful with some very stressed up in-charges that dun bother to teach u and demoralise u and critise ur ability when u ask too many questions or dunno how to do... What do they expect from me, I am only starting to learn that thing, give me a break lah... anyways i wun be bothered by such unreasonable ppl... Maybe cause of them I will become a stronger and even better person. Right now, I cant see so far, so i just what i can each and every single day. God Bless Me!!!
WHEN THE PRESSURE IS ON (from daily bread april 13)>What makes a shiny apple look delicious? The skin off course. But what is it about an apple that actually makes it delicious? The juice and substance inside. Thats's the apple's real "character."
I learned this as a boy watching my mother make apple sauce. With a wooden pestle, she would mash the soft, boiled pieces of apple thru a metal colander and into a bowl, until all that remained in the colander were drab, flattened skins. but oh, the sauce tasted so good!
God uses life's pressures to bring out the sweetness of Christlike character in us. Tribulation also helps us realise the awful potential of our sin nature and see for what it is --- ugly and tasteless. Under pressure all kinds of sins begin to surface --- greed, selfishness, lust, pride.
Pressure, whether from without or from an unrealistic perfectionism within, is a fact of our fallen world. God controls its intensity and duration so that we can recognise, confess, and renounce those fleshy "skins" that obscure Christ's character in us.
Tribulation is not something anyone seeks. But when it comes, the Holy Spirit will use it to create in us perseverance, character and hope .
All God's testings have a purpose ---- Someday u will see the light, All he asks is for u to trust him, walk by faith and not by sight.
The gem of a Christlike character is formed by pressure and refined by friction
/ Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into the grace in which now we stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our suffering, because we know suffering produces perseverance: perseverance, character: and character hope. And hope does not disapoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. (Romans 5:1-5)
Monday, April 17 >I feel horrible now... I know its bad to be feeling like this on a sunday night, a day before i start work on monday. I think it must be the steamboat I had yesterday. Now having really bad diarrhea and vomited my dinner. And the thing is no one seems to bother. I just asked my mum where the medication is, cause i feel really weak to go across the road. Then she told me to go and buy it myself, and not to bother her cause she very tired after work... Then scolded me saying I dunno how to take care of myself... I mean its ok to rely on someone when u are feeling weak isn't it... I really dun need this kind of dressing down when i am already feeling so lethargic and sick...
My job requires me to give care and concern to other ppl... But sometimes I wonder how often ppl will show care and concern to me... I know i am supposed to be altruistic. Sometimes I wonder if i was really sick how many ppl woud show concern for me... Actually i know my family would be there. How nice if I could live in a world where ppl express care and concern so freely... Mayeb i am only saying this cause i feel very weak now... But i seem to be living in a cold cold world... In which even my family would not even bother about me unless i got some very serious illness or almost died, but normally they would just leave me alone... Haiz...In the end its just me that spurs myself on... oh how nice...
Saturday, April 15 >OMG... I feel so happy its friday night and my weekend is just starting. I love public holidays. I love weekends... Must make full use of them to catch up with ppl around me... I dun really like to stay at home too much nowadays cause I want to make the most of my off days. Today went for good friday service in the morning, came back to make my apple crumble pie for rachel bbq party. Then in the evening me and INA went to her private housing and ate ourselves to death with very cancerous bbq food... but its ok, I will go and eat cucumbers later to detoxin myself later on... Then me and eve had this very weird conversation about examining dead bodies. Hehe...
Then tomorrow going to eat steam boat at marina bay with my nursing friends... I think really putting on weight recently...
One not so good thing that happened recently is that I lost my handphone though I am pretty sure it was at home but i just can't seem to find it!!! Haiz... so sad...
Monday, April 10 >To keep me from being conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messanger of Satan, to torment me. Three times i pleaded with God to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak then I am strong.
Corinthians 12 : 7-10
Submit to God all ur burdens, all ur joys, worries, fears or weaknesses. He will give u the grace to overcome ur weaknesses.. the process of pruning to bearing fruit is never easy. In fact it is a painful process. But i can be assured that i am not alone.
Many things about tomorrow i dun seem to understand, but I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand.
Saturday, April 8 NEW CHALLENGES>Today the patient I was mentioning about yesterday really passed away last night. Its sad but I am happy she is out of her pain...
I am getting a feel of working life. Sometimes I just want to be with my patient, but their are alot of responsibilities... I would like to sit down and have a talk to them about what they are feeling and their fears, but sometimes there is really too many things to do. The things i learnt in school are sometimes not practiced in the real working world. At the same time, since we are students and have potential for passing out in the ward, we must at least maintain good interpersonal relationships from the most junior to the most senior. Be nice to the ward clerk, she can do wonders for u, be nice to the housekeeper, her help really makes a difference. Must respect the juniors... they can speed up the work flow... must at least smile and greet the staff nurses and the nurse manager. Must also learn how to communicate with doctors (which I have not really experienced yet)... Sometimes its hard to try to work together with others but I guess its a must... I am going to the real working world gal.. not so much sheltering as before when I was in school...
Next week going to start doing in charge work and start taking cases... really dunno whether I can do it or not... Next week is also my first time I am doing night shift... Suddenly i feel there are alot of new things in my life...
Friday, April 7 >Today was a tiring day at work. Yesterday was afternoon shift and today was morning... I was really like a zombie this morning. PRCP is wat I call a bit freaky... The thought that I am going to pass out as a staff nurse, and I still have alot alot of things to learn. I also feel its not enough to learn the basics but learn more cause knowlege is power...
I saw this staff nurse, when she was doing any procedure on the patient, at the same time she would be explaining to the patient about his condition, about the effects of the medication on the body (pharmacokinetics). I find my knowlege so meagre compared to them. How can I be a successful nurse with such meagre knowlege...
Today I was also bed sponging one of my patients with one of the family members. I was really impressed with the daughter's love and patience for the mother (patient)... She was not scared of getting her hands dirty with shit... and talked to the mother with such love and concern. I told her its a pity she did not become a nurse and she told me after this experience of her mother getting cancer, she would willingly offer her services to any hospice. Then she said alot of things u would not understand unless u really go thru it. U would not understand the pain of seeing someone slowly degenerate before ur body and slowly and painfully leave u... Even though nurses have skills, yet alot dun have that understanding. I dare to say I dun have that understanding too... But sometimes I would rather not know this cruel aspect of life.
Life is really very brittle... One of my favorite patients is expected to pass away soon. I remember just last week I was just happily chatting with her. But now a tumour is pressing on her intestines and her intestines are coming out thru the stoma. The staff nurse said if there is a chance that her whole intestines should come out dun panic, just wrap a plastic over it. Anyways I was measuring her blood pressure and its slowly going weaker and weaker... Will there be a miracle or ... Its sad to face death... Sometimes I cannot accept it... how can something we treasure so much be taken away from u so suddenly.
Monday, April 3 >Dunno why I suddenly feel so moody... I really dunno wat the heck is wrong with me but suddenly everything does not seem right... I dun even want to be beside ppl. I just want to be in a place in which there is me, me and me again... Haiz... I think I have some mental problem or wat...
I really try very hard to be wat I am now... i try to be more sociable. I try to be more outgoing, be cheerful , be a good listening ear to those around me. But now I feel so tired, I really dun feel like trying anymore... I think I have really changed alot since I came back from china. I used to be so quiet and hardly talked. I did not like to make friends, neither did i smile much . My auntie and father used to call me dumb and slow. The darkest time in my life was when I was in china. I was always changing schools at that time and my parents were always quarreling and my dad was always drinking heavily... Things got better when I came back to singapore with my mum. But I really took a long time to adapt back to the system back here... Then my aunt gave me tuition but every week she would always scold me and complain to my mum how stupid and slow I was... Until sometimes I think maybe I am so... That time I really wanted to erase myself from the face of this earth, so I became more and more antisocial... Somehow i think being someone quiet and weird, ppl dun really accept u.... so i really tried very hard to be someone cheerful, outgoing and friendly. But sometimes I feel so tired. Is it because its not really the real me... What is the real me... is my real face someone hideous... So hideous that it should be hidden from anyone. Sometimes I find the old me coming back to me...
Sometimes i feel so tired to try to uplift myself all the time and try to encourage myself... Sometimes after a hard day at work and comig back I feel so lonely to come back to empty house. I dun want to show anyone how upset I am cause I dun want to show my vulnerable side. Will others say i am weak, too weak to survivie in this world... I am really tired...
Sunday, April 2 OFF DAY>Today is a saturday and man I am happy... Its only during attachment and work that I realise the importance of off days to rejuvenate and just relax. Today went out with alina and we watched the show, " Yours, Mine and Ours". Its really touching story. I recommend all to watch if u are looking for a heart warming show... After that we went to eat Sakae sushi until very full... In the evening went to bedok stadium to run 6 rounds... but I stopped running continuosly at the 3rd round but at least I completed all 6 rounds... Stamina is flying away already... haiz... After the run me and Pei li just walked around during cooling down and just chatted... Feel so uplifted after the long chat. Work is mportant, but so is rest and I should get it when i still have the chance to... hehe
~ Me ~
Name; Jolyn Choo
Age: 19 years
Birthday: December 30
School: Nanyang Poly SHS Nursing Year 3
Place of Work: SGH
CCA: NYP TKd, Geo Council, CSC
~ Loves ~
- rainbows
- smiles on ppl's faces
- food!
- surprises!
- letters
- watching stars at night
- lilies
- tv
~ Loathes ~
- cockroaches
- heights
- backstabbers
- boredom (nothing to do)
~ Wishlist ~
- to be a great nurse
- to have a happy and healthy family
- to be contented and be able to enjoy simple pleasures of life
- to see a rainbow
- lots of food everyday
- to save more money to buy clothes
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