Tuesday, January 31 CELL GROUP PICNIC 3 weeks ago!>
>Hello I am thinking about some minute unimportant things. Yesterday I told my grandmother (from my mother side) to try to exercise more cause she is really damn lazy. As in whole day can sit down in one corner or sleep, then after that start eating.... and she loves to eat fatty stuff such as KFC. I know it cause sometimes she comes over to my house. Then sometimes i walk with her from one end of the house to another, or ask her to go down to the void deck with me... is it wrong. Then my aunty was saying, how can i do that to her... she should enjoy life... i dunno, maybe i think like that cause I am a nurse... so i feel everyone should exercise when they still can... Alot of elderly can actually move around and do things for themselves but being confined on the bed for too long they become lazy. And should i just leave her alone and let her die in the food and immobility she is in. Or is it impt to incorporate some exercise into her regime. I am not talking about tkd training like I do but just simple doing for herself things or walking really short distances. I feel like asking them to define enjoying life. I will still stand by my mindset that at least do some simple exercising ... to at least maintain quality of life!
Later going visiting again... Busy busy busy! Eat lots lots, got lots of ang pow!
Suddenly it feels as if my heart is going thru rheumatism... a bit achy yet a not totally sharp pain...
Saturday, January 28 >Today woke up in a damn du lan mood... its not usual that I am so irritated or in a bad mood... just that these few days have been busy in school or training and when i come home I can' t even watch tv, do my project or even rest at home in peace without getting a dressing down for the most minute things or things I did not do... haiz... so frustrating... hate him in the house ... please go somewhere else and leave me alone. Its soo stressful living with him... One day if the day comes I will surely explode , this I can assure and when that happens it will be an eye opener. There is a limit to everyone's temper... Why don't I try to understand, him ppl ask. I have tried... for soo long , until now i simply dun bother.... i am also a human being with feelings . I am not god and i dun want to be soo understanding sometimes too... Sometimes I want to ventilate my feelings... my mum said maybe I can go to my friends house to rest or do projects but i dun see why i should avoid my own house. Although sometimes i do fear him i dun want to avoid him in my own house which is a damn silly thing to do...
Today was damn troubled by this problem I suddenly felt damn tired and gloomy... So my whole day was like damn dark. Furthermore the pain is still persistant un my legs. Dunno why it just wun go away... Some days just dun start off on the right note and it just drags on to the rest of the day... i guess this is just one of those days. But wat should i do... i can't possibly show everyone a black face... should i cry... or should i just show a happy face in front of them. Sometimes i feel everyone is so busy with their own lives, maybe i should not bother them... sometimes i feel so heavy like i am going to collapse. I say i have god in my life but truth is i only pray for strength when i cannot take it... Is it my fault i am like that... being so stubborn to rely on myself only... But it could not be something bad right...
Today one of the tutorials we went thru was on the Sociology of Work Organisations. TYT took us for tutorial. I remember he used to take us to lectures when we were in Year one... How time flies... seems like yesterday... the tutorial was quite easy going. He asked everyone what job they would choose to do if they were given a chance to choose again... Actually, at that time I did not think much about what i wanted to say cause of me being a bit moody... So i just said i wanted to be a zoo keeper (its an obvious lie but actually it would not be too bad). Now that I think about it there are a few things I would like to do... I used to want to become a police officer when i was in secondary school... I have thought about going for mission trips and becoming a nurse that goes to third world countries ( I still want to do it)... If I am not in nursing I want to own my small own business, something like a cafe facing some nice scenaric place where ppl sitting there can sit and gaze at the nice scenery. I also wanted to live in a place like australia or new zealand and stay on a farm where I get to stay but the lake or by the sea and everyday i can lie on the fields and look at the clouds or stars at night. Then there would be horses, cows, chickens and sheep. Everyday I would be able to drink fresh milk or eat eggs that are really fresh... Back to reality if I am given a chance to pick something to do for life I would still pick nursing...
One of my friends said something that sorta shocked me... She said she wanted to be a housewife... I was sort of shocked cause that would be the last thing I would want to be ... She told me actually its really noble to be a housewife... You have to be good in cooking, cleaning , taking care of children, and thinking of ways to make your home a conducive place to stay in. When ur family members come back they would be invited by a nice meal at home or tonics to drink... it makes me think back of the time when i was studying and my mom was always there for me... Though sometimes I would take her for granted but the thing is i always had nice meals to eat, my clothes were always clean and ironed, she was always there to look over my studies. I have not had that sort of feeling for a long time. Noadays its always me cooking something simple, or buying back, washing my own clothes, ironing my own clothes... i really miss my mother at home but I know she is happier when she is working. A mother at home is definately a very comforting thought... I really miss it... but i guess maybe now is a time to be independent. My mum once told me whatever I do, I must always be independent. I hope I can do so...
I am watching the last episode of "Love Concierge". Its really nice !!! It makes me feel as if there is really such thing as true love in this world. Love of all sorts... I even feel like crying when I see ppl loving each other unconditionally, in spite of each others faults and misgivings. Sometimes I really wonder whether i will get to love someone in a way that is unconditonal, just like a guardian angel...
Friday, January 27 NORMAL DAY OF MY LIFE>Today is a fairly normal day in school for me... But the pain in my legs is extremely unbearingly painful, especially when I try squatting down or walk down the stairs. This morning was a bit irritated with a friend of mine cause he was late when trying to meet up with him (in the end he did not even come). But actually its not his fault... just i dun feel like being so understanding sometimes, sometime feel like ventilating my feelings... This morning I was considered late for my first lesson, but I met Tuna and Lolitha on the same bus as me.. and together we tried to run to school together... but in the end still late. After that we had 2 lectures followed by Community Nursing and Management of Nursing projects in which i am the leader. But good thing i got fairly good team members although some are quite bo chap... And another project discussion with another group for Abnormal Psycho...
I just finished another 2 lectures and actually suppose to have another lecture at 5 but I am going to skip it and meet Angelina at City hall... Later going to watch "memoirs of a Geisha" with her and verna...its really surprising 2 different ppl like us can become good friends and still keep in contact... Cause last time i used to think she was very "ah lian" and she used to think i am a nerd... haha.. though i am not exactly one...
I think maybe i am sort of person that always cannot make decisions if i am really ok with anything such as what to eat or what to wear... I am always so fickle minded...
Wednesday, January 25 TIRING TRAINING!>Today was a damn tiring training. I think one of the worst i have experienced... Firstly Hafiz, Tuna, Lok, Indira and me met to eat dinner around 4... Then we went to the training ground earlier than the others. We started stretching and practise kicking the target.
When training started we did the normal warm up. After which we ran up and down the long flight of stairs then try running up and down it one step at a time proceeding to 2 steps at a time to 3 steps at a time and then to 4 steps at a time. When we went back to the training ground Sir Vincent took us for training. He is teaching us for the actual IVP. Although I am not taking part in any component of the competition i still have to go through it. Firstly he asked us to do 150 squat and stands, then followed by kicking of the target 60 times, followed by another 50 squat and stands followed by kicking of the target 30 times. After this I am totally exhausted and my legs feel like jelly. During the squat and stands I already cannot catch up with the rest and am so slow... haiz.. just feel so weak. And thats not all... We still have to wear padding and run around the field 5 rounds. When i start my legs are already like jelly. My stamina is like down the drain. Second round I am already lagging behind and starting to get all pale and some kind peeps give me encouragement and tell me not to give up, but at that time i already feel like i cannot make it... haiz.. i think i insulted those ppl who tried to encourage me cause i just told them not to bother me cause i dun want them to lag behind too trying to help someone who is simply a hopeless case. But then hafiz ran behind with me and even though i told him numerous times not to care about me, he still stuck up with me... he even scolded me for saying like this but then i dun blame him lah. I must have sounded irritating, like "I want to give up and can i die alone attitude" A few times i tripped and fell and had the feeling of fainting spells but then I really wanted to complete the 5 rounds so i continued. Then after that sir vincent ordered me to stop at the 4th round but then i really really wanted to finish it off... so he ran with me too... haiz... i just feel my will power is strong but my flesh is weak... i really wanted to do it but sorry... i am not strong enough. But i really thank all those ppl who give me encouragemnt though i showed this really grouchy face in that sweaty state.
And thats not all... after that we did some stretching exercises after which sir vincent taught us on sparring techniques... I even got kicked a couple of times...
Overall i still feel its a good training session although its very tough, just that i feel i am a very weak member... but i still will not give up... I will try to continue coming. Cause i feel its a chance to train my will power and other things tkd has to offer me. Maybe because of this i can be a even stronger person.
>My biggest wish now is that i will be a good nurse. I really hope i can emerge strong from all the challenges and tests i will be put thru... I know especially after I graduate and during my PRCP I will receive alot of critisms and scolding but hope god will prepare my heart for it... Just as he has made me a stronger person these 3 years i hope he will still be with me as I enter into the cross roads of my life. Joining nursing has been something I dun regret, even though I dunno whether i will be in it for life (but it has taught me much and shaped my character in many ways). Thank you... nursing, thank you for making my heart stronger, thank you for making me a more thickskinned person. Thank you for making me see the reality of life thru my once innocent but now not so innocent eyes... it has truly been an experience. God Bless me that i will be able to take everything that comes my way in a positive light!
Tuesday, January 17 >I have come to the realisation of something. Somethings that I actually wanted to give up but then dunno why its it because of God's will i finally decided to continue with it... Some things I also decided to let go (though sometimes letting go is sometimes the most difficult thing to do). I know it will let it totally be erased from my memory, since that is not possible but will be kept as beautiful memories. its time for me to get on with life. Maybe things wun be the same anymore but i can definately tell u i will emerge a stronger person. I will not let myself be emrsed in my own self pity. I must get out of the mudhole in my life... Thank god for the beautiful lessons in my life. I will persevere for i know u are definately with me.
Sunday, January 15 LONG LONG JOURNEY>Recently I have this very chronic bitterweet feelin inside me. Its this really nagging irritating feeling inside me that keeps on tugging at my heart... i can't really explain it but sometimes I just feel like being left alone and not smiling... Sometimes i feel that i am getting numb to anything that happens to me. The thing is that I will still get on with life just sometimes I feel something missing from me...
Yesterday was a very busy day. And I would like to explain on one of the things I learnt during my lesson. it is on the Johari Window. I think ppl who dun know themselves well or really want to know what other ppl think of u should do this... Basically this is mine.. i did mine with Jenny...
Basically there are 4 componenets to explore and discuss... First is the Open area (aspects which are known to self and others), Blind area (aspects that are unknown to self and known to others), Hidden area ( aspects that are known to self but unknown to others) and lastly the Unknown area
Open area: cheerful helpful responsible caring active and energetic (sometimes , depends on mood) blur and forgetful (I put in myself) got violent tendencies (wanted to put this under hidden area but even said its open to everyone) Blind area charming beautiful smile motivated and can influence a person (though thats not really my intention to) supportive like to follow around my friends and start whining very sarcastic and extremely straightforward (smirks) hates ppl to touch my hair becoming more and more vain tough on the outside but gentle on the inside Hidden area lazy messy like to think alot and can get a bit depressed like to think about past impatient timid inconfident likes to kick when i am sleeping
Yesterday when I was eating my lunch, me and my friends were discussing about this and eve told me i reminded her of a barbequed marshmallow... Its burnt on the outside due to the fire, which means usually i wun show my emotions and weaknesses and always seem to be strong but inside is all soft and mushy (diaoz) inside is all my gentleness ? and niceness (if there is such a word). But after hearing this I feel very sweet inside... I used to be someone that shows my softness to the world but then sometimes i get bitten and sometimes i get hurt... I think its a complete disapointment if we look at ppl sometimes... I guess it is impt to know ourself b4 we really try to get to know others.
And yesterday there is also something worth mentioning which is out Taekwondo club went over to NTU for a "friendly" sparring match... I sustained quite a bit of injuries but then its ok, I can still tahun (I have too... today going shopping and tomorrow going ECP). The first time I sparred with a black belter!!!! (jaws drop). Her kicks are definately better than me... And the floor matting was brand new and i kept on wanting to slip. But then i think I still have alot to learn lor... After that i was feeling a bit gloomy since i felt I failed miserably, due to the fact I never go back training for a long time and also maybe i am not up to it... But there is one person that words put a greater weight than anyone else in the club... which is my instructor sir peter. He gave me another chance to fight again, at first I was hesitating but then i decided to do it... although its a white belt (rolls eyes... so contradicting, its either black or white). Halfway thru the match my sir said dun give up, i am doing good... Maybe he doesn't really mean it but i know when he says it I will suddenly feel very motivated as in I can really do it... This is also my form of respect to him...
Which brings me to another point... I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me!!! Thank God for putting these ppl in my lives. Thank god for the black belter who i fought with and thank God for my instructors and my friends... I am really truly blessed.
I know this will be a really long post but i still have not finished yet. Yesterday in the bus to NTU i talked to one of the sirs i usually wouldn't really talk too... But thats not the point . One thing that really caught my attention is that he asked me whether i can speak in tongues. I have never done that man... I have no idea what its like. U really need to open ur heart to god and surrender ur soul to him. I wonder if I can really do that. I have not totally surrendered my life to him which is why sometimes i feel very tired cause i feel I am relying on my own strength. is it possible to rely on him in every aspect of our lives... Is it an option or must do... Dun look at ppl, u will get disapointed... look to god.
Friday, January 13 >"You ask me why I do not write something... I think one's feelings waste themselves in words, they ought to be distilled into actions and actions which bring results." (Florency Nightingale)
Thursday, January 12 >Busy painting my room now... it wil be yellow and a bit of light orange. I love bright and warm colours. Back to school tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 11 MAJOR PROJECT>Yoz... have been fine recently. Today is a public holiday and i am stuck at home doing some major spring cleaning. Its a really big affair. Cause after around 2 decades on this earth I finally am getting a room of my own. So excited. This morning me and my brother started hacking the old bed which is sort of infested with ants, then really used alot of energy bring the whole chunk of furniture down the the collection dump. Then have been vacuuming the room, shifting all the stuff to another room so i can clean it up, mopping and remopping the floor. I was so pissed... after mopping the floor with so much Fabuloso my cat just strutted in and pissed on the floor... Grrr.... Yesterday me and my mother went to see furniture and I saw a bed I really liked from the first time i set my eyes on it... My mum said its really very solid and good and looks like a bed of a princess.... but a bit expensive. Btw did I say I am going have to pay for everything, from the bed, mattress, cupboard to table... I think I am gonna to go broke. Its a good thing I saved quite a sum from my bond money. Thriftiness is a virtue (anyways thats not the point... haiz but still have to buy clothes for cny).
Then tomorrow me and my mum going to buy paint for my room... I am going to paint it halfly really light pink and half dark pink... Maybe even buy pink bed sheets... Its just so exciting... I know it sounds really girly but i dun care... Haha!!! This is my own room and I am paying it for it myself. So I can do what I want with it... ! Then we are going to the furniture fair to see what else we need... Haiz... need to spend so much $$$
Anyways its been raining cats and dogs consistenstly since last friday. The rain makes me feel gloomy. But I have sort have gotton used to it...
Tuesday, January 10 >Another story sent to me by Campus Crusade for Christ though i dun join them or anything they still sent it to me...
The Bumblebee By Anthony N. Wade
Did you know that according to a theory of aerodynamics that the bumblebee should be unable to fly? The bumblebee's size, weight, and shape of its body, in relationship to its total wing span, flying is technically impossible. The bumblebee, being ignorant of the technical theory, goes on and flies anyway and makes honey everyday.
You and I need to take a few lessons from the bumblebee. First of all, if the bumblebee were to look at its size, it would say "My body is too big for my wings, for that reason I am not able to fly." If it looked at its weight, it would say, "I'm too heavy, it is impossible for my wings to create enough lift for me to do the job I was created to do." If it looked at the contour of its body it would say "Forget it, it is scientifically impossible for me to do this."
My friend, the bumblebee is totally unaware of the impossibilities that say it can't do what it does, day after day. It goes against all the odds that say, "You should be a failure." "Look at you; aren't you a pitiful looking thing? You are overweight, your body is in pathetic shape; and you have the nerve to think you are going to fly." Who do you think you are a bumblebee? This kind of view never comes across the mind of a bumblebee. It doesn't know it's not supposed to fly.
Now, what's your excuse? Who or what is screaming at you that you can't possibly do what you desire to do? When are you going to look them in the face and say, "Watch me!" "I will overcome these odds, I believe I can fly." I don't care who or what is telling you that you can't, with God all things are possible.
Its time to make man's impossibility, God's possibility.
Sunday, January 8 >This is a very meaningful story I read from one of the books i read
In the Book of Virtues, William J. bennet tells a story called the "Magic Thread." In this French tale we read of peter, a boy who is strong and able, yet sadly flawed by an attitude of impatience. Always dissatisfied with his present condition, peter spends his life day dreaming about the future.
One day while wandering in the forest, peter meets a strange old woman who gives him the most tantalizing oppurtunity - the chance to skip the dull mundane, moments of life. She hands peter a silver ball from which tiny gold thread protrudes. "This is your life thread," she explains. "Do not touch it and time will pass normally. But if you wish time to pass more quickly, you have only to pull the thread a little way and an hour will pass like a second. but I warn you, once the thread has been pulled out, it cannot be pushed back in again."
This magical thread seems the answer to all of peter's problems. it is just what he has always wanted. he takes the ball and runs home.
The following day in school Peter has his first oppurtunity to put the silver ball to use. The lesson is dragging, and the teacher scolds Peter for not concentrating. peter fingers the silver ball and gives the thread a slight tug. Suddenly the teacher dismisses the class, and peter is free to leave school. He is overjoyed! How easy his life will now be.From this moment, peter begins to pull the thread a bit everyday.
But soon peter begins to use the magic thread to rush through larger portions of life. Why waste time pulling the thread just a little everyday when he can pull it hard and complete school altogether? He does so and finds himself out of school and apprenticed in a trade. peter uses the same technique to rush through the engagement to his sweetheart. he cannot bear to wait months to marry her, so he uses the gold thread to hasten the arrival of his wedding day.
Peter continues this pattern throughout his life. When hard, trying times come, he escapes with his magic thread. When the baby cries at night. when he faces financial struggles, when he wishes his own children to be launched in careers of their own, Peter pulls the magic thread and bypasses the discomfort of the moment.
But sadly when he comes to the end of his life, peter realises the emptiness of such existance. By allowing impatatience and discontentment to rule him, peter has robbed himself of life's richest moments and memories. With only the grave to look forward to, he deeply regrets ever using the magic thread.
In introducing the story, My benett insightfully comments, Too often, ppl want what they want(or what they think they want, which is usually "happiness" in one form or another) right now. The irony of their impatience is that only by learning to wait, and by willingness to accept the good with the bad, do we truly attain those things which are really worthwhile.
All things will be revealed in God's own timing if we simply trust him (easier said then done but a must do for that fact!)
Saturday, January 7 >Its raining but i feel gloomy inside. Somehow or another i start to hate rainy weathers. Its because of this rain my leg hurts. i start to feel this gloominess in me too... sometimes i feel like falling into the gloominess in me, but i know once i do it will be hard to come back out , so i seem to be staying on the edge. What can I do to make myself happier. Must be my mood swings.
SORRY FOR BEING ME...
Wednesday, January 4 FIRST DAY>First day in school and I'm late, have a massive bad stomach ache until i feel weak in the knees. But on the other hand I will treasure my time in school. Came to school with kavi and we were chatting and laughing the whole way, dunno how long we have to be like this... And Jenny treated me to H-2-0 cause i am having fluid and electrolye imbalance... so sweet of her.
Feel weird to be back in school after the month long attachment. Not really used to going back to the lecture tutorial system again cause used to the busyness of everyday working life until I can hardly keep myself awake during lectures.
And have been thinking about whether i want to continue my CCA. Just feel hard to connect with it after being MIA for sooo long. Can't take part in grading already cause skipped so many lessons. And the rest will all be training for IVP. Just wish to train for the sake of training and not for any competition... maybe i have the wrong attitude... haiz...
Tuesday, January 3 NEW YEAR>Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delieght in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
My goals for this year 1. To love the unlovable (this might be the hardest to really love in the way God wants us to ove, but i will just try my best)
2. To bring a word of encouragemement or cheer to those in need
3. To get baptised (when i feel the time is right)
4. To read the Daily Bread and the Bible daily. (I am lagging)
5. To work really hard for my final semester and try to adapt well in the wards and eventually become a good staff nurse.
6. To be a person with knowledge cause everyone respects a well informed person (Knowlege is power)
7. To go overseas at least more than 2 times this year. (mission trip or leisure?)
8. To learn the piano??? ( wanted it since young but never got chance)
9. to grow taller (unrealistic goal...) hahah!!!
10. To grow out of my blurness and forgetfullness (hopefully) 11. To speak better malay, hokkien and cantonese (so can comm. better with the elderly) 12. To exrcise regularly and keep fit and run 3 times a week around the reservoir 13. Last but not least, to live with no regrets cause u never know when u will actually go I can only think of this much so far. I am determined to make this year a good one or at least one with a good START! Yesterday went out to eat steamboat with my nursing friends... eat until my pants wanted to split. For the second serving of soup we ordered Tom Yam. it was damn spicy... cannot take it man!
# posted by Jolyn |
12:35 AM
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Sunday, January 1 END OF YEAR THOUGHTS>Happy birthday to me (yesterday)! Although it was my birthday but i dun feel as if i look a year older. My sister still said I look like a child that has not gone thru puberty yet... haiz... anyways i can't really change that fact right. Just have to live with myself.
Anyways i already told the person I used to like I liked him. Actually I wasn't expecting anything, and i because of that reason i didn't get anything... I still dun understand his cool answer. It seems he did not really bother about what I say. But in the first place why would he. Anyways really thanks to him for letting me say what I want to say b4 the end of this year. Some ppl call me brave but sometimes I feel rather foolish. Its because I want to be a person with no regrets that I do what I want to do. Now i feel I have put down a load on my back and can continue my journey but somehow putting down the load needs a bit of getting used to so I may be a bit sad at first but i will still go on... I am after all just a human being with emotions. Thanks to that person really, thank you!
Looking back I guess I have changed alot and grown in some ways. Sort have come out of my minor depressive state that I used to be in. Learnt new things but at the same time lost some things. Went thru setbacks but at the same time experienced alot. But i guess this is all life. Maybe I am a realist but this is what I learnt to be like. To survive in a place like this and work in my sort of job. But I know deep inside I am still the same old me... I am Jolyn no matter where I go... and i always believe I am god's child just like u and me...
Looking forward I am sort of scared, sort of anxious, sort of nervous. Can i make it in the world out there. Is there a place I really belong. I suppose I am better off than alot of other cause I am given a job straight after I graduate. But I will sometimes think whether am I up to it. I have 7 more weeks in school now. I will really treaure them... after that will be one week study break and one week exam, followed by 2 weeks attachment in mental hospital. After which will be our final attachment PRCP for 6 weeks. After that we will have to start work. Really seems like next year will be a challenge but I have to go thru it. Its not a matter of trying my best, but i must do it.
But there is this verse that goes something like. Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. And a song by the name of "I don't know about tomorrow". The last sentence is "Many things about tomorrow i dun seem to understand, but I know who knows tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand". I guess maybe saying this I might be a little bit more fortunate than others cause I know who holds my hand... haha (talking crap now).
~ Me ~
Name; Jolyn Choo
Age: 19 years
Birthday: December 30
School: Nanyang Poly SHS Nursing Year 3
Place of Work: SGH
CCA: NYP TKd, Geo Council, CSC
~ Loves ~
- rainbows
- smiles on ppl's faces
- food!
- surprises!
- letters
- watching stars at night
- lilies
- tv
~ Loathes ~
- cockroaches
- heights
- backstabbers
- boredom (nothing to do)
~ Wishlist ~
- to be a great nurse
- to have a happy and healthy family
- to be contented and be able to enjoy simple pleasures of life
- to see a rainbow
- lots of food everyday
- to save more money to buy clothes
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