Recently I have this very chronic bitterweet feelin inside me. Its this really nagging irritating feeling inside me that keeps on tugging at my heart... i can't really explain it but sometimes I just feel like being left alone and not smiling... Sometimes i feel that i am getting numb to anything that happens to me. The thing is that I will still get on with life just sometimes I feel something missing from me...
Yesterday was a very busy day. And I would like to explain on one of the things I learnt during my lesson. it is on the Johari Window. I think ppl who dun know themselves well or really want to know what other ppl think of u should do this... Basically this is mine.. i did mine with Jenny...
Basically there are 4 componenets to explore and discuss... First is the Open area (aspects which are known to self and others), Blind area (aspects that are unknown to self and known to others), Hidden area ( aspects that are known to self but unknown to others) and lastly the Unknown area
Open area:
cheerful
helpful
responsible
caring
active and energetic (sometimes , depends on mood)
blur and forgetful (I put in myself)
got violent tendencies (wanted to put this under hidden area but even said its open to everyone)
Blind area
charming
beautiful smile
motivated and can influence a person (though thats not really my intention to)
supportive
like to follow around my friends and start whining
very sarcastic and extremely straightforward (smirks)
hates ppl to touch my hair
becoming more and more vain
tough on the outside but gentle on the inside
Hidden area
lazy
messy
like to think alot and can get a bit depressed
like to think about past
impatient
timid
inconfident
likes to kick when i am sleeping
Yesterday when I was eating my lunch, me and my friends were discussing about this and eve told me i reminded her of a barbequed marshmallow... Its burnt on the outside due to the fire, which means usually i wun show my emotions and weaknesses and always seem to be strong but inside is all soft and mushy (diaoz) inside is all my gentleness ? and niceness (if there is such a word). But after hearing this I feel very sweet inside... I used to be someone that shows my softness to the world but then sometimes i get bitten and sometimes i get hurt... I think its a complete disapointment if we look at ppl sometimes... I guess it is impt to know ourself b4 we really try to get to know others.
And yesterday there is also something worth mentioning which is out Taekwondo club went over to NTU for a "friendly" sparring match... I sustained quite a bit of injuries but then its ok, I can still tahun (I have too... today going shopping and tomorrow going ECP). The first time I sparred with a black belter!!!! (jaws drop). Her kicks are definately better than me... And the floor matting was brand new and i kept on wanting to slip. But then i think I still have alot to learn lor... After that i was feeling a bit gloomy since i felt I failed miserably, due to the fact I never go back training for a long time and also maybe i am not up to it... But there is one person that words put a greater weight than anyone else in the club... which is my instructor sir peter. He gave me another chance to fight again, at first I was hesitating but then i decided to do it... although its a white belt (rolls eyes... so contradicting, its either black or white). Halfway thru the match my sir said dun give up, i am doing good... Maybe he doesn't really mean it but i know when he says it I will suddenly feel very motivated as in I can really do it... This is also my form of respect to him...
Which brings me to another point... I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me!!! Thank God for putting these ppl in my lives. Thank god for the black belter who i fought with and thank God for my instructors and my friends... I am really truly blessed.
I know this will be a really long post but i still have not finished yet. Yesterday in the bus to NTU i talked to one of the sirs i usually wouldn't really talk too... But thats not the point . One thing that really caught my attention is that he asked me whether i can speak in tongues. I have never done that man... I have no idea what its like. U really need to open ur heart to god and surrender ur soul to him. I wonder if I can really do that. I have not totally surrendered my life to him which is why sometimes i feel very tired cause i feel I am relying on my own strength. is it possible to rely on him in every aspect of our lives... Is it an option or must do... Dun look at ppl, u will get disapointed... look to god.
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