Today woke up in a damn du lan mood... its not usual that I am so irritated or in a bad mood... just that these few days have been busy in school or training and when i come home I can' t even watch tv, do my project or even rest at home in peace without getting a dressing down for the most minute things or things I did not do... haiz... so frustrating... hate him in the house ... please go somewhere else and leave me alone. Its soo stressful living with him... One day if the day comes I will surely explode , this I can assure and when that happens it will be an eye opener. There is a limit to everyone's temper... Why don't I try to understand, him ppl ask. I have tried... for soo long , until now i simply dun bother.... i am also a human being with feelings . I am not god and i dun want to be soo understanding sometimes too... Sometimes I want to ventilate my feelings... my mum said maybe I can go to my friends house to rest or do projects but i dun see why i should avoid my own house. Although sometimes i do fear him i dun want to avoid him in my own house which is a damn silly thing to do...
Today was damn troubled by this problem I suddenly felt damn tired and gloomy... So my whole day was like damn dark. Furthermore the pain is still persistant un my legs. Dunno why it just wun go away... Some days just dun start off on the right note and it just drags on to the rest of the day... i guess this is just one of those days. But wat should i do... i can't possibly show everyone a black face... should i cry... or should i just show a happy face in front of them. Sometimes i feel everyone is so busy with their own lives, maybe i should not bother them... sometimes i feel so heavy like i am going to collapse. I say i have god in my life but truth is i only pray for strength when i cannot take it... Is it my fault i am like that... being so stubborn to rely on myself only... But it could not be something bad right...
Today one of the tutorials we went thru was on the Sociology of Work Organisations. TYT took us for tutorial. I remember he used to take us to lectures when we were in Year one... How time flies... seems like yesterday... the tutorial was quite easy going. He asked everyone what job they would choose to do if they were given a chance to choose again... Actually, at that time I did not think much about what i wanted to say cause of me being a bit moody... So i just said i wanted to be a zoo keeper (its an obvious lie but actually it would not be too bad). Now that I think about it there are a few things I would like to do... I used to want to become a police officer when i was in secondary school... I have thought about going for mission trips and becoming a nurse that goes to third world countries ( I still want to do it)... If I am not in nursing I want to own my small own business, something like a cafe facing some nice scenaric place where ppl sitting there can sit and gaze at the nice scenery. I also wanted to live in a place like australia or new zealand and stay on a farm where I get to stay but the lake or by the sea and everyday i can lie on the fields and look at the clouds or stars at night. Then there would be horses, cows, chickens and sheep. Everyday I would be able to drink fresh milk or eat eggs that are really fresh... Back to reality if I am given a chance to pick something to do for life I would still pick nursing...
One of my friends said something that sorta shocked me... She said she wanted to be a housewife... I was sort of shocked cause that would be the last thing I would want to be ... She told me actually its really noble to be a housewife... You have to be good in cooking, cleaning , taking care of children, and thinking of ways to make your home a conducive place to stay in. When ur family members come back they would be invited by a nice meal at home or tonics to drink... it makes me think back of the time when i was studying and my mom was always there for me... Though sometimes I would take her for granted but the thing is i always had nice meals to eat, my clothes were always clean and ironed, she was always there to look over my studies. I have not had that sort of feeling for a long time. Noadays its always me cooking something simple, or buying back, washing my own clothes, ironing my own clothes... i really miss my mother at home but I know she is happier when she is working. A mother at home is definately a very comforting thought... I really miss it... but i guess maybe now is a time to be independent. My mum once told me whatever I do, I must always be independent. I hope I can do so...
I am watching the last episode of "Love Concierge". Its really nice !!! It makes me feel as if there is really such thing as true love in this world. Love of all sorts... I even feel like crying when I see ppl loving each other unconditionally, in spite of each others faults and misgivings. Sometimes I really wonder whether i will get to love someone in a way that is unconditonal, just like a guardian angel...
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