Sunday, October 29 BURNT OUT>Pass few days have been really busy with my work... Yesterday I was put in charge of 12 patients. It came as a surprise cause one of my colleagues took a MC. I can confidently say i have not reached the stage at which I can take 12 patients. At times I wanted to break down and just leave all my stuff and run to the toilet to run away from the things happening around me. Passed my report without writing a word of report. In the end jolene wrote all the reports for me... i could just feel so helpless, so ignorant... always needing ppl to help me... why am i so useless. The harder i try the harder i feel it is to my goal...
I feel bad cause i passed my colleague which is of the same batch alot of rubbish... making her stressed too. I really have alot to improve... I know it myself... At the end of the day i told my sister (nurse manager) that I really really needed to have a break cause i have been so tired and unmotivated recently. She granted me one day break on monday, so today tomorrow and monday is my break before i start my night shift on tuesday.
After work i felt so dazed and hypo... I really almost wanted to faint from the lack of sugar going to my brain. Then me and jolene decided to go to the hawker centre next to chinatown to eat. On the way another sister was also walking to the mrt... so she was talking all the way, but i felt soo tired and dazed i just walked in front leaving the 2 of them behind. i finally regained back some of my energy after eating the clay pot rice, wu xiang, sugar cane juice and chocolate ice kachang. And i really had a good time with jolene. I find she is a really special friend that was brought into my life, like an angel... cause her nature touches my heart...
Then this thought formed in my head. I think i lose hope in myself...
Today I spend half off the day slacking and lazing at home. I am currently watching this show called "One litre of tears"... Its really nice and meaningful, which makes me remember that in life there are ppl struggling to live yet i get depressed by small mundane things (i think i take things way too seriously). I feel like buying that jap drama... its those shows i dun mind buying, just like Da Chang Jin...
I met up with Angelina and we went to Vivo city... Today she was really tired but she still took the effort to come out for me... I brought her to the really nice food outlet called Food Republic. We both ate bak kut teh and roti prata... Then we went out to a open space outside the shopping centre which is facing the sea and took pictures, then was just sitting at the bench looking at the sea and talking when i suddenly spotted a friend of mine from poly. She was Zhang Jin and she was with her boyfriend... hehe. Anyway it was great seeing her... I miss our times in school... but thats a thing of the past. Life still goes on.
When i went back to angelina she was listening to her Ipod so i just requested to borrow her handphone cause i spilled carrot juice on my handphone (remember), so its spoiled and i am going to buy one soon... cause i needed to call jolene whether she wanted to go to the wake of my friend's aunty which also happened to be our patient under our care. When my friend (Aces) found out it was me taking care of her aunty she said i must be an angel... sent from god... Although i feel very much human i know what she means. Just like Jolene is a angel to me in my dark period. So anyways Aces will bring me and Jolene for the wake tomorrow. When i was using angelina's handphone I scrolled down and saw his number (the one i used to like). I had the very strong urge to press dial but i restrained myself.
I really felt like singing k box but angelina was sick so we went back after walking around vivocity for a while... I realised me and angelina really have more or less the same taste in food. And we love going shopping together...
I better get some rest. Tomorrow will be a long day. I will be going to church AND CELL (finally). Wonder whether everyone has forgotten me. haha...and in the evening going for my patient's wake... hehe... This is the first time i go for a patient's wake...TAta!!!
A random thought just came into my head... I miss the times me and my poly mates were outside the lecture theatres discussing project and we would buy drinks from the vending machines nearby. Me and jenny would always buy peach tea... I really miss those times. Or after taekwondo sessions I would walk back with lok, tuna and maya and we would also buy drinks from that vending machine...
Friday, October 20 PEACE IN A STORM>Life can seem unbearable at times. Physical pain, difficult decisions, financial hardships, the death of a loved one, or shattered dreams threaten to engulf us. We become fearful and perplexed. Plagued by doubts, we may even find it difficult to pray.
Those of us who know the Lord through personal faith inChrist have in him a calm retreat in the storms of life, even while the howling winds of trial are sweeping through us. We can experience peace of mind and calmness of spirit.
Richard Fuller, a 19 th century minister, told of an old seaman who said, " In fierce storms we must put the ship in a certain position and keep her there." Said Fuller, "This, Christian, is what you must do... You must put your soul in one position and keep it there. You must stay upon the Lord: and come what may --- winds, waves, cross seas, thunder, lightning, frowning rocks --- no matter what you must hold fast your confidence in God's faithfulnes aNd his everlasting love in Christ Jesus."
Do you feel overwhelmed by your troubles? Learn a lesson from that old sailor. Fix your mind on the Lord. Ask for his help. Then trust him to give you peace in your storm.
Our daily Bread October 20 Friday # posted by Jolyn |
10:45 AM
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Monday, October 16 BURNT OUT>I just put a song that reflects my feeling now... recently i have been impatient with myself , cause i have expectations of myself but i feel i am unable to meet my expectations of myself... I am like a snail, going and learning life so slowly... haiz... then recently have been in a state of disapointment and sort of fatigue... my enthusiasm for working has been lost... people around me ask me why i seem so different nowadays and not my normal self but i dun know how to reply. Is it because i am not strong enough... i am a weak human being so i just said its nothing...
Yesterday was a really lousy day.. i really wanted to cry... i just felt like torturing myself and blaming myself for every single thing that happened that screwed up...even up to today i felt like shit when i went to work and my mood was totally black... Even my friend sked me why i look so fierce today, like someone stepped on my tail... then i told the sister i wanted to be the junior nurse today cause i was not feeling that well... but i think she could tell that i was rather tired so she said ok...
I think it was a very wise decision cause i feel happy i made that decision cause today i was really not in the right mind to do in charge work... But it made me remind myself that i am not alone... That there are actually ppl who care about me and are willing to give me support in times of need.And there are actually ppl who are also going thru the same burn out syndrome as me... it just takes a listening ear to find out who...
And today i actually had the time to go for a full break and i went to buy a delifrance set meal and bought a croissant for jolene... who was my in charge. So today was a not so good day that became a good day.
I just think that i have a very bad habit of putting everything upon myself and blaming myself when things screw up... blame my ignorance when i dunno something, blame my unluckiness when things dun go the way i want them... blame my inadequacy when i get rejected... haiz... i have such low self esteem... can't stand myself for that...
Tuesday, October 10 PLANNING>Now i am trying to plan a get together for alina's birthday and its really so hard with all my friends hectic schedules... so i tried casting a bigger net and messaged almost everyone in my class so we can get a get together. I dunno who will respond but its the best i can do...
Funny how i always seem to blog on my off days which happens to be today and tomorrow... Yesterday I was in charge with one of the senior staff nurse which i dun like... she really likes to pick on ppl... I got scolding from her for something i did which i dun necessarily think is wrong... But nevertheless i still thanked her for telling me cause i respect her for her experience and she has qualities which are very admirable like the way she talks to her patients... its superb...But she told me she would not help me in anything unless I asked and she really did not help me . But i feel better this way cause i really can learn to grow... At the end of the day she told me she likes the way i can be very humble even when i kena scolding from her... Not that i am exceptionally scared of her or what but after she scolded me i still thanked her and continued doing my stuff cheerfully. In that way ppl, are willing to teach u... thats what she said... Haiz... but i still find it so hard to be a person in the working world... PPl are never satisfied with u... But i told myself never mind... I am satisfied with myself and hopefully god is satisfied with me...
I hope I can train my PR skills to be as good as hers and she is so assertive...]
The next 2 days i wun be going out so often. Firstly cause most of my friends all busy working...secondly cause i want to spend some time swith myself... I was suddenly thinking of continuing assembling my photo album which i chuckked to one corner after i bought it... Cause i am getting more and more photos...and no where to put them... i also decided to continue with my knitting which i also chuckked at one corner and its growing cobwebs...What should i knit.. i dunno.,.. maybe the problem is what can i knit... dunno whether i remember it or not,.... haha.. Little by little... one step at a time i am going back to becoming the real me...
Monday, October 9 NICE PICTUrES... ICE SKATING>
More pictures I took... in chinese gardens>
# posted by Jolyn |
12:54 AM
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Thursday, October 5 > One of the pictures taken at chinese gardens. Will upload the rest later on...
FUNFILLED DAY>Today is a very funfilled day. The past 2 days have been my day off and i really spent time to rest and go out with friends and have some fun. Though yesterday was not as exciting... I practically spent the whole day slacking at home, getting hooked on this drama called "Princess Hours" which is going to be shown on tv soon... (but i know i will definately not be able to follow on tv). I even bought the whole series for quite a cheap price.Its really a show worth watching if u are looking for something romantic, funny and something to spend ur time away... hehe... At the end of the day however i got so sick of my mundane life at home and went out to walk walk in tampines...
Today however, on the other hand was a much more exciting day... Jacqueline (nyp), eveline and me were to go chinese gardens for the lantern festival but since we were all off today we went ice skating before going for the lantern festival... As we needed at least 4 ppl to get a discounted and unlimited time to ice skate, i invited jolene (my colleague ) to join along though it was rather last minute for her.., But she good naturely came along , and I am glad for that too...
Today was the first time i ice skated. I think there are alot of bad points about me but one point that is very good is that I will never give up... No matter if i fall down, i will still get up and continue on... Today i just kept on practising until i finally could skate alone. Though I have to admit I still need much more practice. Thank God to Jolene cause she really tried to guide me. But more or less I think i AM the person that wants to do everything by myself unless i really cannot do it. I will ask ppl...
I think alot of ppl will call me stubborn like a ox. My preceptor also said the same thing about me, that I am a very stubborn girl, always wanting to do everything by myself... I think she had a tough time guiding me cause i am always so forgetful and careless... sometimes she looks like she wants to vomit blood. And I know when i make mistakes, she is the first one that gets the blame. Sometimes I feel guilty, but i really dunno how to express it to her... So I will just express it thru actions, cause actions speak louder than words. I beleive she genuinely wants to help us junior nurses...
But the time doing ice skating was really shiok and exciting... and i really look forward to going back again...
After that we walked around jurong point and I bought a dress from THIS FASHION. Its a really nice spaghetti strap dress, with a scarf that comes along it to tie the neck or waist. Eve picked it for me... cause i told her i dun have any dresses (yeah, dun laugh ... i really dun have). Cause i am not the dressy or girly sort of person. But i want to change , at least for a day and dress up to be someone beautiful, cause i guess i am not beautiful enough...
After that we ate at a shop that sells japanese bentos and I met lin yu (who happened to go jurong point to borrow books) and we ate together... Its so fated like some sort of drama...always bumping into ppl here and there.
Time in chinese gardens was fun too... Its actually my first time going there... In my opinion there is nothing fantastic about it... Its just the company that makes it worth it. I guess its the same for any activity. Depends whether u are in the mood for fun and company or silence and solitude. We took alot of pictures which i will try to upload on my blog...
Today was a really enjoyable day... I would love to write more but i feel too sleepy... i really need sleep cause tomorrow i still have to work afternoon shift.
Sunday, October 1 >There are times when u really lose hope in urself u just become very quiet and withdrAWN. Then ppl think u are angry with them but the only person who u are upset is with is urself... I am tired... really tired... when can i really sleep in peace... when will these negative feelings go away...I feel sad. really sad... I was thinking it would be so nice to come back after a good cry and just let it all out but i just cant seem like crying... I really dunno what to do, I feel lost. Even God seems to have forsaken me... Or am I covering his pleas for me to come back to him with my business...
~ Me ~
Name; Jolyn Choo
Age: 19 years
Birthday: December 30
School: Nanyang Poly SHS Nursing Year 3
Place of Work: SGH
CCA: NYP TKd, Geo Council, CSC
~ Loves ~
- rainbows
- smiles on ppl's faces
- food!
- surprises!
- letters
- watching stars at night
- lilies
- tv
~ Loathes ~
- cockroaches
- heights
- backstabbers
- boredom (nothing to do)
~ Wishlist ~
- to be a great nurse
- to have a happy and healthy family
- to be contented and be able to enjoy simple pleasures of life
- to see a rainbow
- lots of food everyday
- to save more money to buy clothes
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