I just put a song that reflects my feeling now... recently i have been impatient with myself , cause i have expectations of myself but i feel i am unable to meet my expectations of myself... I am like a snail, going and learning life so slowly... haiz... then recently have been in a state of disapointment and sort of fatigue... my enthusiasm for working has been lost... people around me ask me why i seem so different nowadays and not my normal self but i dun know how to reply. Is it because i am not strong enough... i am a weak human being so i just said its nothing...
Yesterday was a really lousy day.. i really wanted to cry... i just felt like torturing myself and blaming myself for every single thing that happened that screwed up...even up to today i felt like shit when i went to work and my mood was totally black... Even my friend sked me why i look so fierce today, like someone stepped on my tail... then i told the sister i wanted to be the junior nurse today cause i was not feeling that well... but i think she could tell that i was rather tired so she said ok...
I think it was a very wise decision cause i feel happy i made that decision cause today i was really not in the right mind to do in charge work... But it made me remind myself that i am not alone... That there are actually ppl who care about me and are willing to give me support in times of need.And there are actually ppl who are also going thru the same burn out syndrome as me... it just takes a listening ear to find out who...
And today i actually had the time to go for a full break and i went to buy a delifrance set meal and bought a croissant for jolene... who was my in charge. So today was a not so good day that became a good day.
I just think that i have a very bad habit of putting everything upon myself and blaming myself when things screw up... blame my ignorance when i dunno something, blame my unluckiness when things dun go the way i want them... blame my inadequacy when i get rejected... haiz... i have such low self esteem... can't stand myself for that...
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