Recently I find myself gradually changing in person... i dunno whether its a good thing or not... I have leaRNt to take it easy whatever happens , to remain calm under all circumstances (I am still working on that) and to accept anything that comes to me if I can't change it... I guess in life there are alot of things that dun really go ur way... U can't stop it from happening but u can change ur response. In my work place i see death like no ones business, I see people suffering to their last breath, i see people crying , I see people accepting christ on their death bed... But I dun feel sad ... just something that I have sort of accepted.Neither do i feel bitter or hard. I sort of feel peaceful, cause they are no longer suffering. I think the only thing that sustains me is my joy in being with these people that need so much comfort in the last journey of their lives.
I have been listening to this song called Cai Hong Tian Tang... I used to feel how nice if I could just die and be free from all troubles... Hopefully I go to heaven. What would heaven be like . Would I be able to see rainbows... haha... sounds rather lame... To me rainbows signify hope so i feel extremely hopeful when i see them. However i have not seen a rainbow for a rather long time. Then when i started work and see so many deaths and people struggling for their lives I feel rather foolish... My mindset has not changed but i just live from day to day and try to live the bestest i can ( grammatically incorrect... but who cares)...
Hopefully I get to live long enough to experiece love... haha. i think girls just like the feeling of being loved, for someone to accept them for who they are. Unfortunately i guess maybe most people love for the sake of being loved, or maybe to show off their latest fling to their friends (I have no idea)... To me love is accepting each other for their good and not so good qualities to support each other in good times and bad. I can't say I 100 percent believe in true love nowadays. I can only say I have one story to tell about true love. Its sounds too good to be true but its true. Hopefully i find this sort of love.
I used to have this patient ( lets just call her jane). Then she had end stage cancer and already amputated her leg and her chemo had made her drop all her hair... So when she was in my ward she was rather serious already.. She had a sacral sore from sitting on the bed too long, she had become confused and she could not eat with her mouth, she had to be fed thru tube feeding... Every day her husband would come over after workand he would actually bring clothes to change and sleep in the hospital... Then everyime i needed to clean her up or change her diapers he would always help me and i so admired his gentleness to her. Everyitme he would voluntarily do the tube feeding. Then sometimes i could see him sleeping and holding on to her hand, sometimes i could see him praying for her until he actually cried... One day when i was attending to another patient... on the day before jane passed away i could hear him say to her, "Don't worry about us, I will take care of our 3 children, If u feel tired u can just go on first, I promise i will be strong. And knowing u has been the most wonderful period of my life. I love you" I know i am not supposed to eavedrop but its so touching... like something that happens in the shows... For someone to love u for who u are and goes thru thick and thin with u. To love u though u are balding, crippled . I still beleives true love exists because of this... it just probably wun come to me... haha. Or hopefully i dun have to get cnacer to expereince it.
I guess the superficial love ppl experience nowadays (not everyone) is very small compared to this sort of love. And this is the sort of love i guess most girls (i dunno about guys... they are another species) are looking for. Sometimes they dun get that so sometimes they just love for the sake of feeling loved.
Haha.. i think i better stop here before i get confused with words... Its easy to understand but difficult to comprehend. I would just like to wish everyone that they may find true love in their lives.!!!
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