My sis just told me her father in law was diagnosed with 4th stage lung cancer. It was sort of surprising cause all along he was very healthy and does not smoke... Though I feel a bit sympathethic... I am not totally sad, maybe due to the fact that I see people dying everyday. When I first entered cancer ward, I thought I would be strong enough to take all of this. I guess I am strong to a certain extent but somehow I feel this strongness makes me less humane... Its not that I dun want to show my feelings or cry when i see someone pass away but I have been trained in that way ... I have been telling myself to be stronger on top of being stronger... until sometimes I just feel so cold like a robot... I really want to be back to my humane state... cause i am dealing with humans and all humans have feelings...
Today I was thinking of something. I just think I should get sick , like flu or fever... cause i feel sometimes i work in the wards and forget that I am dealing with sick ppl. I forget how its like to be sick sometimes. That u feel really helpless and are so reliant on those around u... Anyways I just want God to melt my heart and make me feel my passion and warmth again...
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