Rainbow in my Life!!!

DAY 2 CNY

2007-02-19T23:52:00.000+08:00

Today went visiting to 3 places... first was my ah ma's place (from my father's side). She lives with a cousin of mine who has a condo in bukit timah ... We went there around 12. The food was really very good... Its really authenthic cantonese food which i quite like (though its pretty unhealthy). I had quite a few servings of food after which i felt very tired. Then my aunt asked me to take a rest in her room. So i slept for a short while. After a 20 minute nap, I felt hungry again and had another serving of food. I think today i am like a pig just eating and sleeping...

After that we went to "The HidingPlace" to visit an uncle of mine who has cancer. Hiding place is a christian drug rehab centre for ex convicts and delinquents... My uncle owns the place so we went to visit him...

Lastly, we went to another aunty's house. I didn't eat anything as i was much too full at that time... I just plopped myself in front of the tv and watched a show called "War of the worlds" about alien invasion... its quite an exciting show.

So reached home at around 11.30pm... I better get some sleep as tomorrow i am having morning shift.

VISITING

2007-02-19T09:05:00.000+08:00

These 2 days have been very happy. Have the feeling I am back to schooling days... I can have holidays when other ppl are having holidays and meet up with them... Though its something small to others but i am really very happy.

Last night went visiting to my aunts house and had great food and good company. I think thats the only thing that can describe the visiting sessions...

BLESSING IN DISGUISE

2007-02-18T13:17:00.000+08:00

Last night was really praying, well actually not really praying. I just prayed that God... ur will be done. If u want me to work today i will work. if u want me to get an off I will go to church... However up to this morning when i woke up still no one called me saying i can take leave today... Only until i WENT TO WORK I realised there was only 3 staff so it was quite impossible that they would ask me to go home. However the whole central only got 7 or 8 patients since alot of them dun want to stay for cny. When my colleague came, she asked me whether I want to go home... I was so happy and after talking to the indian sister she allowed me to go home to celebrate cny. I even gave my sister a great big hug. On the way home I felt as if I was floating on the clouds... I just felt ecstatic!

After coming back home i changed and set of for church... I decided to ride my bike to church since i was really lazy to wait for a bus again... Riding a bicycle is harder than i thought. Or rather I can say my stamina has deproved alot... I pant and pant everytime I am riding up slope. A few times I had to get off my bike and push my bike when i felt tired... Anyways by the time i reached church my hair was like a rag doll and i was sweating like a pig...

I really miss going to church. really miss worship and listening to god's message. Todays message was really meaningful. Its about spreading god's love to family and relatives which is really good for this festive season. No matter what their must be a spirit of gentleness and respect if we want to be a living testimony to others. You dun have to force or insult other religions cause everyone has their own principle but u can start by saying an encouraging word or showing ur concern or praying for someone when they really need it. Even if they are non christian everybody likes to be prayed for . Cause as human beings sometimes we cannot handle stuff ourselves so sometimes we want to beleive their is someone in control. But i strongly believe in the subtle approach.

After service met up with pei lee and we sat and talked for a while... its been a while since i have last seen her. We both have gone thru tough times but we are still able to talk about anything. I told her recently been very down but now i came out of my down period... Cause i prayed to god to give me strength for each new day. Although I am not perfect but i am trying my best.

Recently also been thinking about something. People used to ask me what sort of guy i would like , or what sort of husband i would like to have etc... Its a very common question but i used to think that if i loved someone even if he is a non christian i would not mind. But recently it sort of has been forming in me what i really want... When i am down he will cheer me up, when i feel tired i can lean on him (like a tree), and we will pray together whenever we feel we need to pray. When i stray away he will knock my head and pull me back to god. Cause i realise last time when i strayed away from god i just focused on myself as the centre of the world... and i became so narrow minded... But i want to change. Learning to love myself and others around me...Dunno also whether got such a person for me but i am also not very anxious for one for the time.... but its just two cents of my thoughts.

And I will continue being the happy me... and go on with my life as everyday! Happy Chinese New YeaR to everyone!!!

2007-02-17T23:31:00.000+08:00

Happy chinese new year to me and everyone around... This year i will be spending my new year morning in the hospital slogging and working... hehe... Unless of course they call me up saying they dun need my services that day in which there is a 50 50 chance since there are not much patients during new year.I really hope that do that... Irritated with the person who planned this roster...

2007-02-13T14:51:00.000+08:00

Its a lazy tuesday afternoon and i am suppose to be spring cleaning but just decided to slack a bit before i continue... I have already packed and swept the floor of my room... It looks much better. Before it looks like a pig sty. And changed the bed sheets for all the beds in my house.

New year is coming again and i feel sort of unprepared for it... In the sense i have not donw much buying of new clothes... Only looking forward to more good food and getting red packets... hehe...

I was reading the Daily Bread today and would like to share with u all

Raised In Glory

Years ago, I heard a story about a man looking for flowers for spring planting. At the green house he came upon a golden chrysanthemum, bursting with blooms. To his surprise it was hidden in a corner and growing in an old dented rusted bucket.

"If this were my flower," he said to himself, "I would place it in a beautiful pot and display it proudly! Why is it confined in this old bucket and hidden in a concealed place?

When he remarked to the owner about the flower, she explained, "I started the plant in that old bucket until it blossomed. But its just for a short time. Soon I will transplant it to my garden."

The man laughed and imagines such a scene in heaven. "There's a beautiful one," God will say, " The product of my loving, kindness and grace. Now its confined in a broken body and obscurity, but soon in my garden, how tall and lovely this soul will stand!"

So we may now be "planted" in battered and bent containers for a short time while our lord beautifies our soul. Then he will display his handiwork and our loveliness for all to see.

So whether u or me is going thru a rough patch, its only for the time being... its only a process of letting us mature.

GIVE ME OIL IN MY LAMP

2007-02-09T18:09:00.000+08:00

Been stuck in the pits of depression for quite a while already, and its starting to tire me out... Today was depressed the whole day... I kept on feeling like sleeping and wasting my time away... Then in the evening went out. My aunty who opens a facial shop wanted to do facial on me so I just went for fun... But it sure was painful. She said my skin condition is not too good so must go more regularly (i think she also wants to earn more money). But i think will try to go facial from now on... I also want to be more pretty... Haha!!!

But i feel its tiring to feel depressed all the time... Life seems so boring when u are depressed... Been thinking, talking to alot of my friends.... I am certainly blessed to have many friends and family to give me support...

I told my mom , recently i been in a very bad mood cause i seem to have lost motivation to work or in anything... She told me maybe its because i have drifted further away from god so i am going thru a spiritual low... She said she thinks i need to find back my aim in life...just like she found back her aim in life after so many years of being a housewife, now she is happily working and she is enjoying it...

Other people i want to thank is teo and jolene. I think they are the ppl who gave me the most encouragement during this time... Teo for being with me thru every step of the way. Jolene for telling me that if u can't change a situation, change urself. I am after all still someone trying to grow up...

There are other ppl I want to thank especially pertaining to my colleagues is Guan Yi and shirley. Cause we are all from the same batch. At least i am not alone struggling... Jacqueline (SGH) and Long ti - although i got pass rubbish reports to them, they are still so kind to me..., Mylene: she is ever so ready to help me w/o asking anything in return, Narin - for telling me my mistakes (though dun like her tone but i guess i do like her), Ah Buay- for being my kind teacher though sometimes she can be really sarcastic, Sister stella - for flipping thru my changes and helping me do some changes that day when i was struggling with 12 patients, sister hone - for buying me lunch sometimes when i am too busy to go for break , wan ru - for helping me and shirley serve meds when we are both struggling, EN sumarni - for teaching me its important to relax and enjoy ur work and not rush thru ur work... eventually all will be ok if u are calm. And thank our House officer for taking my bloods and being so good natured though recently been a bit mood swing (though I dun suppose he will read this ... haha). There are many other ppl i would like to thank... maybe i might go to them personally to thank .

But overall the most impt thing i learnt and i must remember is that i must thank GOD. I have neglected him all this time... putting him at the corner of my heart. Thats why i felt something missing from my life all this while. I pray to have renewed strength for each new day and for him to take charge of my life... i am like a lamp without oil... so i need oil to keep me burning.

DEPRESSED

2007-02-09T02:50:00.000+08:00

Recently have been pretty sad... Sad about life, sad about my work... I guess I am pretty depressed... When I am sad also cannot work properly... and in the end i become even sadder... Feel like all hope in life is lost.Feel like crying. Feel that once i cry everything will be better. But i cant cry . Cause i never had the habit of crying . Last time i used to cry alot. and my father slapped me once, said i am such a weakling.... cause he believes that u should not cry even if u are, even when his brother died he did not cry. And he was a rather tough man i suppose so he wanted me to be tough too... But now i feel i really need to cry, or else i will feel this uncomfortable feeling like i am suppressing to many things inside.

Yesterday was rather disorinetated... until this en that was deployed to my side that was deployed over told me to calm down then i can really enjoy working. Actually i find what she says is true... when u are stressed u cant seem to finish all ur work but when u are calm u seem to be able to deal with problems better. Even though there is piling work load u can deal with it slowly and eventually finish all in time... But i feel i am a person too controlled by my emotions which is not too good... When i feel stressed i really cannot think about anything at all... My whole mind suddenly turns black. i really want to find back that feeling of enjoying work again.

Yesterday after work me and shirley went to far east. She brought me there to dye my hair and get a hair cut. Though i feel its not to obvious but its still a change... haha... after that we ate korean food . I ate the mixed riced in the stone hot pot. Its pretty nice... Shirley at the spicy beef kimchi soup. After that accompanied shirley to get mc for the next day cause she got fever and flu... went back home and was chatting with my father. Chatted until i feel asleep on the couch... haha...I guess thats how tired i am ... haha

HOPE

2007-02-02T15:28:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel, did i pick up more than i can bear... i feel so exhausted nowadays... just going one day at a TIME, trying to fugure out something about this life of mine. Its ok if i put in effortand still dun do perfectly well... but its not really ok when u put in ur best (but there is always room for improvement)and ppl still say u are doing a lousy job... It hurts man... Sick ppl need sympathy.. sometimes i need it too... Its feels so tiring to always be so understanding to those around me. Everyone around me needs care and concern... everyone wants tender lving care. Everyone except me... I could just work myself to death and no on really bothers... well, i guess they do. They dun want me to faint during work...

Right now i just feel so tired to go on with life... In life the worst thing to lose is hope... once u lose hope everything seems bleak... You lose ur optimistic self... ur favorite things dun seem to interest u already... u just dun feel like going on... I see ppl around me lose hope ... yet the ironic thing is that as a nurse i dun really know what to say to get them back on their feet... I myself am starting to lose hope in myself...

2007-01-30T03:18:00.000+08:00

Today is my off day again... hehe... so happy and this week my off is today and tomorrow... No concrete plans yet. Tonight going to treat my family to dinner at some peranakan restaurant. Should be quite nice... Tomorrow might be watching movie with jacq lim and eve... We might be watching this chinese show called "Happy Birthday" Not too keen on it but i will just follow along.

Yesterday i was on afternoon shift and i was put in charge of 12 patients... However yesterday was quite peaceful so it was quite ok... Sometimes even 6 patients can make u damn busy... Thank God. He must be blessing me recently.

2007-01-28T02:00:00.000+08:00

Today I am off again and its also a day I am going out with my colleagues. I am still thinkingwhether to just eat and chat at sakae or go k boxing... haha... Anyways recently have been happier. dunno why also... My colleaugues say I will smile more than last time. Which is good. Myabe I am getting better at my work. Slow and steady wins the race.

2007-01-25T15:42:00.000+08:00

Today was an off day after one week of working... This morning teo and me were chatting and we were comparing roster and we found out my roster and hers is exactly the same until her last day this friday... I guess this is fate ba... haha, always putting us together in the same shift and same off day... i will really miss her...

Today I packed up my super messy room... However it was a very superficial spring cleaning, as in it looks neat but if u open up the drawers it is still super messy. i guess that will have to wait until my next off day or when i am free.

Today also decided to go visit my uncle and aunty who live at Hiding Place (drug rehab centre for drug addicts or delinquents). My Uncle owns the place. Last year end he found out he had cancer of the colon. So a surgery was done to remove thetumour from his colon. However the cancer cells spread to his lymph nodes. So they are trying to use chemotherapy and radiation therapy to control and stop the cancer cells from spreading any further. Today he asked me a question by surprise. "Jolyn , do u think I will die?" "i think everyone will have to do eventually one day. Its just a matter of sooner or later. I also can't give u that hope that u will totally recover, neither can i tell u thats incurable. That the weird thing about this illness... its totally unpredictable. But if god chooses u to leave this world sooner , its also a relief. Whatever it is everything is in god's hands, so just take one day at a time...

Thats the thing about life... Something i learnt... Bless my day tomorrow and the day after next.

2007-01-24T10:42:00.000+08:00

Today is quite a good day at work, though at the beginning of the day was rather stressed by one of my patients cause she was supposed to go for apheresis and I had to give her antibiotics through her phlerisible line. Its actually the first time i have given anything through the pherisible line before so was rather stressed. The tubing is inserted even closer than the cvc or picc and u have to be super aseptic cause there is a very high risk of infection... but never theless i feel I have learn quite alot. But today because of that, I only finished serving my medications at 9.30 am which is pretty late.

However today was quite a happy day in the sense I am working together with staff i like such as Xu Yi, Teo and Liza... Xu Yi really guided me step by step what to do about the pherisible line... Though she was also very busy with her BMT room. I sort of think me and teo make a good pair... we are sort of similar in the sense both of us are very messy ppl... but i really like to work together with her... Its a pity she is leaving soon to go and work in the angio room... As I said all good things come to an end. I guess I feel a bit sad cause recently have gotten closer to her, then suddenly she leaves me like that. Haiz.. but whatever it is I hope she is always happy wherever she goes. Work wun seem the same without her.

Thinking of going out tomorrow but dunno what to do...

LOVE: Sometimes i beleive in it, sometimes i dun

2007-01-19T10:50:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel like I would really like to fall madly in love, get married to the one I love, have kids and blah blah. Sometimes I just think whether there is such thing as true love... not the type of superficial love that alot of ppl have nowadays. Like u are pretty or handsome so i will start liking u though its true that pretty ppl will have more admirers. Whenever someone tells me he likes me I sort distance myself away from them.
Maybe partly because those ppl who like me are not really those that I like. I seldom have a liking for anybody. But if I do it means I really like that person to the point of confessing. But then hor... I got rejected.

I guess sometimes i question whether there is such thing as true love . Why must ppl get married when in the end it leads to unhappiness or seperation. So i think maybe i might not get married. But the future is hard to fathom.

I guess sometimes I have this fear in my heart... My parents relationship have never been too good and up to now i can't forget ... Cause they are memories deeply engraved in my mind underneath that happy or blur face of mine... haha.
From young I would see my parents quarreling and my mother would al
ways be unhappy. Once when my father was drunk I saw him use violence on my mother. We used to stay in china cause my father worked there and he got involved in a extra marital affair. My mum got into depression and brought me back to singapore (I am glad she did). During those time, sometimes i felt very unbearable cause she had really bad mood swings so for a while i chose to shut myself off . I became very withdrawn and quiet.But some ppl brought me out of my shell and helped my mother overcome her depression. Now my mother is really strong... Although my parents have patched back, they still have quarrels here and there, although not as bad as last time.

But sometimes I think if ppl get married out of love (its not a forced marriage) and it still end up this way, what is really the problem. Maybe the idea of true love never existed. it only exists in shows where u see all the romatic stuff happening. I beleive in my heart there was a time my mom and dad really liked or loved each other...

Anywasy i think what i am talking about is really complex and has no solution. I cant prove to anyone that love does not exist. I still do beleive it exists. Just that sometimes my views can be pretty negative. I
certainly hope everyone will be able to find the meaning of love in the life of theirs... haha

2007-01-17T15:56:00.000+08:00

Today was a rather frustrating day at work... And I cant help feeling irritated with someone though she is my boss... Sometimes feel that our ward management sucks... was thinking of writing it all out but i deleted it and thought to myself, why write all ur complaints out... as if there will be any use... Just learn from the experience... And sometimes we got to live with it... Today also has some misunderstanding with a colleague of mine who is actually quite close to me... err maybe actually not really misunderstanding but sometimes when we are stressed we all react in ways we normally wouln't if we are clear headed... well decided to put it down lor though just now was really quite angry but i als understand lah... everyone was in a difficult position...What to do... this is working life.

Today after work was so tired went back home and been slacking , surfing net, chatting, watching vcds since i came back... recently been watching this show on tv called "The Peak" at 9 pm most of the time if i am at home... Its pretty interesting.

NEW YEAR

2007-01-03T14:56:00.000+08:00

Its the new year already and time of the year to make new year resolutions... haha... i think i will just make it short and sweet soonly put a few that i really want to fulfill...

1. be a more prettier and confident person.
2. Do something nice with my hair, maybe trim or highlight it.
2.5. Buy more nicer clothes
3. Get braces to straighten my crooked teeth.
4. Get a key board and take up keyboard lessons
5. Maybe (but mostly likely not... depends ) take up driving lessons... cause i more interested in key board.
6. Be a more godly person
7. Enjoy myself every day to the fullest and learn from experiences whether happy or sad.
8. Increase my knowlege

WEDDING PHOTOS Taken on 23/12/06

2006-12-26T18:59:00.000+08:00

BACK TO WORK

2006-12-26T02:40:00.000+08:00

Its Christmas Day and I am back to work... I feel an extremely dreading feeling in my heart , not just because of the fact that I have to go to work on Christmas Day but that its the end of my annual leave. But then it was good while it lasted , just that i feel I have not even reached the part when i am sick of my leave and i am back to work again... And I find it very hard to bring the joy of Christmas back to work again.... ARRGH. IT JUST SUCKS TO GO BACK WORK After a long break... Haiz. Haiz Haiz...

2006-12-25T00:38:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I went for a cousin's wedding... It was really nice and grand... But after all its a wedding. Wedding takes so much time to prepare but marriage lasts a life time but never theless its a girl's dream to have a nice wedding though its tiring. I dun know abouts boys though. But i rather have a good marriage than a nice wedding though both sounds good... I think marriage is not finding the perfect person, but accepting each other for their imperfections... I wonder will I ever get married. When I think about it now, its seems quite impossible. I dunno why, maybe I am not good enough yet when I hear myself sday that i sorta feel angry with myself. I really would like a nice church wedding, and in the church there are all sorts of flowers such as nice white lilies... Anywasy i think I am dreaming lah. Better stop dreaming and get back to reality... Ok got to help my brother do some spring cleaning... Better go off now

2006-12-21T17:25:00.000+08:00

The moist post rainy weather gives my heart and body a achy feel... For my Body i will try to keep myself warm, for my heart i will try to snap myself back to reality...

Today I went to watch "Charlotte's Web"... Its a really nice show, and i recommend it to anyone who wants a nice warm hearted show to watch... U won't really cry but it surely warms the heart... I watched it with my colleagues, Guan Yi, Giam, Jolene and Kong. Initially Michelle was supposed to join in but she was suddenly called back for night shift so she had to give it a miss . So we called almost everyone we could think of then finally we managed to get Kong to come out with us...

Ok i am gonna sleep now... so sleepy!!!

THRIFTY IS A VIRTUE

2006-12-21T09:09:00.000+08:00

I think for now I am going to start saving already. Now in this festive season i seem to have to urge to buy things on sale... Must stop myself and start saving. Today i went out to meet Angelina for lunch and we had a greaty chat... We already plan to watch "The Phantom of the Opera " next year along with Verna and Catherine and go shopping before next year chinese new year... All this requires money... Haiz... sucks but living in singapore really requires u to have some money to get about... Ok so from this moneth on wards I am gonna save... as in dun go shopping and eat cheap cheap stuff... but i will still go out with my friends sometimnes, like tomorrow i am going to watch Charlotte's Web... so excited!!!

SHOPPING SPREE!!!

2006-12-20T15:29:00.000+08:00

Today was quite a happy day... though it was raining the whole day... I went shopping with Guan Yi and Shirley... We shopped between Wisma Atria and Taka.... from 2 to 7. In the end i bought a nice top and a short denim skirt, and i also bought the present for my ward party.... haha. there goes my hard earned money, but sometimes its good to give ourselves a treat. Me and shirley are planning to save to buy a pair of levis jeans when our next pay comes out... Yippeee... and maybe learn how to make those beads assessories... Suddenly i am starting to like shopping...

Tomorrow planning to meet angelina for a short lunch during her lunch break... i just want to enjoy my annual leave as much as I can!!!

TOMORROW

2006-12-12T01:02:00.000+08:00

I just came back from ktving with my colleagues... I am happy that in the period of 6 months I have grown rather attached to them, slogging in work together, gosspiping (hehe), ups and downs of slowly maturing to adults and seeing the realities of life and working life etc... Outside work we are there for each other too, to grumble about on the phone after work, to go ktving together, to go shopping together, or simply go out for a nice meal... Thank u colleagues... Though i dunno how long we will be together, but at this moment of my life I am grateful for u all for being there in my life.

Working life sort of brings out the best and worst and me... My good qualities are highlighted to me even more. My negative qualities are highlighted even more too...Sometimes a simple mistake u make can seem like a very big thing and it spreads like wildfire, cause there are always ppl gossiping... In working life, though someppl are ignorant, they act as if they know everything. And when some honest pure soul says they dunno, everyone seems to give the very disapproving look like that was the most stupid thing not to know that thing(which most ppl dunno). I guess ppl like to act smart sometimes...

Sometime i feel everyone is a hypocrite at work. Though there are more serious hypocrites in my work place but i can't deny that i am a hypocrite too... As if I never gossiped behind someone else's back before... Though I try not to do it... i WILL try to do it less often. i promise myself.

On the night when i was doing night shift with Xu Yi, she suddenly asked me a question... what i want to do, do i want to major in oncology nursing... To tell the truth I never thought so far... I have been living for the day or maybe the week soi far, and just wishing that one day when i wake it , it will suddenly hit my head what i want to do in my life... Oncology nursing is something i have not really thought about though I can't deny there is no possibility... Its nice but i dunno. I am just confused about what i want to do with my life. Time will tell... I always beleived that. You will know what u want to do when the time comes... I am after all just a 20 year old girl/lady trying to find what suits me best.

So far i only thought of becoming a midwife... and maybe when i become very senior to go on overseas projects to 3rd world countries like mission trips or humanitarian trips...

In spite of this , i never regretted coming to oncology nursing. It has been one heck of a roller coasdter ride. But now i can fling my hands up when riding the rollercoaster.

And I shall close this entry with a verse I suddenly thought of. I need God in my life... I really do. The past few months have been the most empty period of my life without God... like a empty vaccuum until i feel so terrible miserable inside... On the outside i look very happy... busy with work, going out on off days... catching up with family and friends but i felt empty all the way... I thought i could survive without him but i really need him in my life. I need him to take control of my life to restore my passion, enthusiasm in life to help me touch the lives of others. I need him! I need his wise teachings to guide my life...

Hehe... enough talk. This is the verse I thought off when i was confused about my future...

Matthew 6: 33-34
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each trouble has enough trouble of its own.

2006-12-11T19:01:00.000+08:00

I am officially going to pass my 6 months probation period in sgh... Time flies very fast and i feel i have grown a fair deal... mentally.. spiritually maybe weakened though but i promise i will go back to god, just dunno how i will do that though...

The pass 3 days have been night shift for me and yesterday after my last night i rushed for the early morning service. I was so tired I almost slept. But I am happy i did though I could not join them for cell...feels good to be close to god again...

ONCE UPON A DECEMBER

2006-12-07T03:38:00.000+08:00

Hey how have u been.. I really have not written in my blog for ages... its december agaIN AND I THINK ABOUT LAST DECEMBER WHEN I WAS STILL A STUDENT... and going for A and E, OT and Gerontology placement... Times really flies without u really knowing it... Recently I find myself more and more settled in my job, so its time to do oither things... though i dun really know where to start to start living a life...

Yesterday I was afternoon shift... And i did a very unique procedure that even my preceptor who worked for 26 years never did before... Its called Intra periotoneal chemotherapy. The patient has a port in the abdominal region and we are suppose to insert a right angle needle into the port to instill 1 litre of warmed up normal saline, then after that we give the patient diuretics (medication to pass urine ), after that we instill the chemo and another solution called Sodium thiosulphate which is to protect the kidneys and the bladder cause the chemo is toxic to the bladder... The chemo mixed in the 1 litre of N/S we put in already is to make it easier to mix around the peritoneal region...

But i guess I have a sense of achievement , cause now i know something special other ppl (who are even very senior) dun really know... I think i am slowly but surely improving. And now i always make it a point to go for my break and go home on time.. cause work is just work... but off course i love my job just as much...!!!

Today will going out to celebrate one of my colleague (shirley) birthday... Quite excited . i think i want to bring a camera to take lots of pictures...

MeMORIES

2006-11-21T10:53:00.000+08:00

I finally did what i wanted to do for a long time , just that i have been procrastinating which seems to be the in thing for me nowadays which is to assemble all my photos into a large humungous photo album... I finally managed to get it 3/4 filled but there is much more to fill up. I guess i should have done it much sooner, considering the fact that i bought this photo album way back when i was in year 3... Hehe... but suddenly feel so exciting to fill it up with pictures. I can tell i have really changed... well... ahem dunno how to explain...

I used to hate taking pictures cause i had this sort of inferiority complex... I always thought i look awful in pictures. Up to now I still look a bit shy and unnatural in pictures but i guess its much better... Then when i was fixing all the pictures together i realised there were certain points in my life where there were only one or 2 pictures like in secondary school and i wish i could relive my memories thru the pictures but the memories will forever be memories in my head until i get amnesia and die...I only started to take alot of pictures when i met up with jacq, even and chan cause they are really into taking pictures...

Right now I feel so excited to fill up my photo album and maybe another and another with memories i can go over on happy or sad experiences... so whether we look horrible or good i think its good to keep our memories as photos (specifically). I shall not ponder over the lost memories of the past but strive to create more memories from now on.

Now whats the next thing i should do... pick up my knitting now perhaps...

Steamboat outing on 15/11/06 with poly mates

2006-11-21T05:54:00.000+08:00

TROUBLED THOUGHTS

2006-11-21T05:44:00.000+08:00

Yesterday morning was sunday. Although i was sick i still sat up in bed and thought of going church. Then I thought about my cell group... How sometimes i feel tired to see them and try to think of excuses why i cannot come for so long. why i have been missing in action... 90 percent of the time they are not excuses , but its tiring to say them and i guess its tiring for them too...

Now that i think about it I am actually not a very strong christian after all.. i sort of forgot the feeling of it also... Maybe my presence there will only hinder them to go towards their great aim, towars greater world missions and evangelism. i I think they dun need a luke warm and sometimes not sure of own faith christian...That was a main reason why i never got baptised , cause i know a time like this would come when i really question my faith. maybe it could not go thru the test of time...Maybe i am not a good person . i dun have that feel... I never had the feel of lifting my hands up when worshipping god... i seem so numb and immune to things around me.. I have become so hard hearted, so inhumane. I seemed to have swallowed any displeasure , any sadness any bitterness i see and just treat it as normal...

Is this the life i want... I think i am still very confused about this life of mine...

SICK

2006-11-20T11:40:00.000+08:00

I'm sick today... have stomach flu or whatever. Its something like food poisoning with vomiting and diarrheoa. i used to wonder which is worse. Constipation or diarrhoea. Now I know its definately diarrhoea... and it does not help if their is vomiting to compliment it. Now no matter what delicious food u put in front of me i simply have no apetite. I was supposed to go for my aunty's birthday celebration but i simply feel so weak and have no apetite. Its a good thing i am off today and tomorrow...

Yesterday i was very energetic going to work. It was a rather relaxing day and i even had time to go for my tea break and dinner... But after dinner i was doing tube feeding for one of my patients then suddenly i felt a bit uncomfortable, like a sort of queezy feelings in my arms and legs. i stopped my work for a while and all i could think was to go out and get a seat... Suddenly everything in front of me was all black .. But i seemed to hear my surrounding noises better. In the end i passed out on my seniors's armsIt was simply too tiring to try to keep awake. But i could hear my senior's voice saying they wanted to do blood sugar on me and give me glucose drink but after that i sort of woke up and started vomiting my whole dinner, so it definately has no problme with me not eating anything. In the end they measured my blood pressure and it was only 50/25. They brought me to the single room and gave me some water to rinse my mouth and rest for a while... After that although i was better but i still felt very tired and my brain felt over exerted. I think its due to lack of oxygen... But i really have no idea why this happened. It could be the food that i ate at marina bay 2 days before that causes food poisoning
but i dun think it causes fainting.

But its true that when are sick u feel more emotional and sometimes want some attention. So i will try to be more attentive to my patients though they sometimes irritate the hell out of me... hehe... I was thinking it would be so nice if there was someone to take care and love me when i am sick or in health... haha... i sound pathethic maybe...but i guess its ok to show my weak side sometimes... Its also true when they say hearing is the last thing that goes off even when u are in coma u can still hear very well but u can't seem to move ur body so i will try to be more gentle to my coma patients cause they definately know what i am doing. haha

And yesterday i am very happy cause i got a compliment from one of my patient family members. I told her i am only 5 months old as a staff
nurse and she said she could not tell she said i look as if i have been working for a year and more. Means to say I am good at my work..

Ok i think i am going to get some sleep. Seems like all i do when i am sick is sleep,watch tv and drink some thin fluids and go toilet to answer nature call +++

2006-11-18T02:54:00.000+08:00

Today is my off day and a day after my sleeping day which was after my 3 days of night shift... it has been my second round of night shift and I can gladly say I am getting used to it... I am not really that tired as during my first round... This round has also been better cause I am together with nice ppl like Wan Ru... She is sooo sisterly and is always willing to help around. After our last night together we went off together to eat breakfast. I think we sort of make a good combination for night shift.

I really thank god that all of my 3 days night shift was quite peaceful... First night there were admissions, second night their was a death. Third night their were massive blood transfusions and blood taking.

Today will be going out with tuna . We still have not really planned what to do.,.. only that evening time we want to go and eat steamboat....Kavi and Fiona might be joining along too...

NICE OUTING

2006-11-14T09:31:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a very fun filled day for me. I went to malaysia , desaru for a outing with my ward mates.... It was so enjoyable because there was Guan Yi, Shirley, jolene and Giam... some of my colleagues even went after their last night shift which i guess was very tiring...Anyways it was an outing which I was looking forward to for the past few weeks and I am happy that it came though not so happy it passed so fast.It was truly a very happy time for bonding.

RECOVER

2006-11-05T15:16:00.000+08:00

I have been recovering from my night shift recently. Thank God there was a off day for me to recover from my lack of sleep... Night shift was pretty nice and sometime it can get peaceful although sometimes call bells can kill. I actually had the feeling like i can actually check on my patients in the night and communicate with them if they are not sleeping... Like I have actually done a job as a nurse... Nursing is not supposed to be task orientated but thats how we make it to be... We sometime should just stop in our tracks and ask how our patients feel or lend a listening ear if we do have the time...

Today went out with Fiona for a belated birthday celebration of hers... After so many years she is still the sort of friend that u can talk about anything under the sun. Things are going pretty well for her i guess... Today also went for a belated birthday celebration for my mum... We went to eat Sakura... Now i feel sooo full... Tomrrow will try going for morning service before going for work tomorrow... All ready and fresh... hehe... not really... there is always room for more off...

ISaiah 40: 28 -31

2006-11-01T05:59:00.000+08:00

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but thos who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

NIGHT SHIFT JITTERS

2006-11-01T05:19:00.000+08:00

Tonight is my first night as a staff nurse and i am feeling quite nervous... So many what ifs... but i know i can... I think I will take a little nap later on before going to work...

Yesterday I went out with Shirley and we went to eat Fish and Co... Its really nice... I ate the set meal with the fish and chips... delicious... After that we walked around and i made those stickers with my name on them that i can stick onto my pen... The sticker has pictures of the Aristocats... I made 5 shetts for me and 5 sheets for Jolene... cause to me Jolene is like my angel... that i really treasure for bringing joy into my life.

After that went out with my brother and i bought a new phone... and after that got a nice dress for myself before going back home... i feel so broke now... still have to give my mum her monthly allowance... eeks... hehe

BURNT OUT

2006-10-29T15:24:00.000+08:00

Pass few days have been really busy with my work... Yesterday I was put in charge of 12 patients. It came as a surprise cause one of my colleagues took a MC. I can confidently say i have not reached the stage at which I can take 12 patients. At times I wanted to break down and just leave all my stuff and run to the toilet to run away from the things happening around me. Passed my report without writing a word of report. In the end jolene wrote all the reports for me... i could just feel so helpless, so ignorant... always needing ppl to help me... why am i so useless. The harder i try the harder i feel it is to my goal...

I feel bad cause i passed my colleague which is of the same batch alot of rubbish... making her stressed too. I really have alot to improve... I know it myself... At the end of the day i told my sister (nurse manager) that I really really needed to have a break cause i have been so tired and unmotivated recently. She granted me one day break on monday, so today tomorrow and monday is my break before i start my night shift on tuesday.

After work i felt so dazed and hypo... I really almost wanted to faint from the lack of sugar going to my brain. Then me and jolene decided to go to the hawker centre next to chinatown to eat. On the way another sister was also walking to the mrt... so she was talking all the way, but i felt soo tired and dazed i just walked in front leaving the 2 of them behind. i finally regained back some of my energy after eating the clay pot rice, wu xiang, sugar cane juice and chocolate ice kachang. And i really had a good time with jolene. I find she is a really special friend that was brought into my life, like an angel... cause her nature touches my heart...

Then this thought formed in my head. I think i lose hope in myself...

Today I spend half off the day slacking and lazing at home. I am currently watching this show called "One litre of tears"... Its really nice and meaningful, which makes me remember that in life there are ppl struggling to live yet i get depressed by small mundane things (i think i take things way too seriously). I feel like buying that jap drama... its those shows i dun mind buying, just like Da Chang Jin...

I met up with Angelina and we went to Vivo city... Today she was really tired but she still took the effort to come out for me... I brought her to the really nice food outlet called Food Republic. We both ate bak kut teh and roti prata... Then we went out to a open space outside the shopping centre which is facing the sea and took pictures, then was just sitting at the bench looking at the sea and talking when i suddenly spotted a friend of mine from poly. She was Zhang Jin and she was with her boyfriend... hehe. Anyway it was great seeing her... I miss our times in school... but thats a thing of the past. Life still goes on.

When i went back to angelina she was listening to her Ipod so i just requested to borrow her handphone cause i spilled carrot juice on my handphone (remember), so its spoiled and i am going to buy one soon... cause i needed to call jolene whether she wanted to go to the wake of my friend's aunty which also happened to be our patient under our care. When my friend (Aces) found out it was me taking care of her aunty she said i must be an angel... sent from god... Although i feel very much human i know what she means. Just like Jolene is a angel to me in my dark period. So anyways Aces will bring me and Jolene for the wake tomorrow. When i was using angelina's handphone I scrolled down and saw his number (the one i used to like). I had the very strong urge to press dial but i restrained myself.

I really felt like singing k box but angelina was sick so we went back after walking around vivocity for a while... I realised me and angelina really have more or less the same taste in food. And we love going shopping together...

I better get some rest. Tomorrow will be a long day. I will be going to church AND CELL (finally). Wonder whether everyone has forgotten me. haha...and in the evening going for my patient's wake... hehe... This is the first time i go for a patient's wake...TAta!!!

A random thought just came into my head... I miss the times me and my poly mates were outside the lecture theatres discussing project and we would buy drinks from the vending machines nearby. Me and jenny would always buy peach tea... I really miss those times. Or after taekwondo sessions I would walk back with lok, tuna and maya and we would also buy drinks from that vending machine...

PEACE IN A STORM

2006-10-20T10:45:00.000+08:00

Life can seem unbearable at times. Physical pain, difficult decisions, financial hardships, the death of a loved one, or shattered dreams threaten to engulf us. We become fearful and perplexed. Plagued by doubts, we may even find it difficult to pray.

Those of us who know the Lord through personal faith inChrist have in him a calm retreat in the storms of life, even while the howling winds of trial are sweeping through us. We can experience peace of mind and calmness of spirit.

Richard Fuller, a 19 th century minister, told of an old seaman who said, " In fierce storms we must put the ship in a certain position and keep her there." Said Fuller, "This, Christian, is what you must do... You must put your soul in one position and keep it there. You must stay upon the Lord: and come what may --- winds, waves, cross seas, thunder, lightning, frowning rocks --- no matter what you must hold fast your confidence in God's faithfulnes aNd his everlasting love in Christ Jesus."

Do you feel overwhelmed by your troubles? Learn a lesson from that old sailor. Fix your mind on the Lord. Ask for his help. Then trust him to give you peace in your storm.

Our daily Bread October 20 Friday

BURNT OUT

2006-10-16T15:55:00.000+08:00

I just put a song that reflects my feeling now... recently i have been impatient with myself , cause i have expectations of myself but i feel i am unable to meet my expectations of myself... I am like a snail, going and learning life so slowly... haiz... then recently have been in a state of disapointment and sort of fatigue... my enthusiasm for working has been lost... people around me ask me why i seem so different nowadays and not my normal self but i dun know how to reply. Is it because i am not strong enough... i am a weak human being so i just said its nothing...

Yesterday was a really lousy day.. i really wanted to cry... i just felt like torturing myself and blaming myself for every single thing that happened that screwed up...even up to today i felt like shit when i went to work and my mood was totally black... Even my friend sked me why i look so fierce today, like someone stepped on my tail... then i told the sister i wanted to be the junior nurse today cause i was not feeling that well... but i think she could tell that i was rather tired so she said ok...

I think it was a very wise decision cause i feel happy i made that decision cause today i was really not in the right mind to do in charge work... But it made me remind myself that i am not alone... That there are actually ppl who care about me and are willing to give me support in times of need.And there are actually ppl who are also going thru the same burn out syndrome as me... it just takes a listening ear to find out who...

And today i actually had the time to go for a full break and i went to buy a delifrance set meal and bought a croissant for jolene... who was my in charge. So today was a not so good day that became a good day.

I just think that i have a very bad habit of putting everything upon myself and blaming myself when things screw up... blame my ignorance when i dunno something, blame my unluckiness when things dun go the way i want them... blame my inadequacy when i get rejected... haiz... i have such low self esteem... can't stand myself for that...

PLANNING

2006-10-10T01:55:00.000+08:00

Now i am trying to plan a get together for alina's birthday and its really so hard with all my friends hectic schedules... so i tried casting a bigger net and messaged almost everyone in my class so we can get a get together. I dunno who will respond but its the best i can do...

Funny how i always seem to blog on my off days which happens to be today and tomorrow... Yesterday I was in charge with one of the senior staff nurse which i dun like... she really likes to pick on ppl... I got scolding from her for something i did which i dun necessarily think is wrong... But nevertheless i still thanked her for telling me cause i respect her for her experience and she has qualities which are very admirable like the way she talks to her patients... its superb...But she told me she would not help me in anything unless I asked and she really did not help me . But i feel better this way cause i really can learn to grow... At the end of the day she told me she likes the way i can be very humble even when i kena scolding from her... Not that i am exceptionally scared of her or what but after she scolded me i still thanked her and continued doing my stuff cheerfully. In that way ppl, are willing to teach u... thats what she said... Haiz... but i still find it so hard to be a person in the working world... PPl are never satisfied with u... But i told myself never mind... I am satisfied with myself and hopefully god is satisfied with me...

I hope I can train my PR skills to be as good as hers and she is so assertive...]

The next 2 days i wun be going out so often. Firstly cause most of my friends all busy working...secondly cause i want to spend some time swith myself... I was suddenly thinking of continuing assembling my photo album which i chuckked to one corner after i bought it... Cause i am getting more and more photos...and no where to put them... i also decided to continue with my knitting which i also chuckked at one corner and its growing cobwebs...What should i knit.. i dunno.,.. maybe the problem is what can i knit... dunno whether i remember it or not,.... haha.. Little by little... one step at a time i am going back to becoming the real me...

NICE PICTUrES... ICE SKATING

2006-10-09T16:03:00.000+08:00

More pictures I took... in chinese gardens

2006-10-09T00:54:00.000+08:00

2006-10-05T18:32:00.000+08:00

One of the pictures taken at chinese gardens. Will upload the rest later on...

FUNFILLED DAY

2006-10-05T18:16:00.000+08:00

Today is a very funfilled day. The past 2 days have been my day off and i really spent time to rest and go out with friends and have some fun. Though yesterday was not as exciting... I practically spent the whole day slacking at home, getting hooked on this drama called "Princess Hours" which is going to be shown on tv soon... (but i know i will definately not be able to follow on tv). I even bought the whole series for quite a cheap price.Its really a show worth watching if u are looking for something romantic, funny and something to spend ur time away... hehe... At the end of the day however i got so sick of my mundane life at home and went out to walk walk in tampines...

Today however, on the other hand was a much more exciting day... Jacqueline (nyp), eveline and me were to go chinese gardens for the lantern festival but since we were all off today we went ice skating before going for the lantern festival... As we needed at least 4 ppl to get a discounted and unlimited time to ice skate, i invited jolene (my colleague ) to join along though it was rather last minute for her.., But she good naturely came along , and I am glad for that too...

Today was the first time i ice skated. I think there are alot of bad points about me but one point that is very good is that I will never give up... No matter if i fall down, i will still get up and continue on... Today i just kept on practising until i finally could skate alone. Though I have to admit I still need much more practice. Thank God to Jolene cause she really tried to guide me. But more or less I think i AM the person that wants to do everything by myself unless i really cannot do it. I will ask ppl...

I think alot of ppl will call me stubborn like a ox. My preceptor also said the same thing about me, that I am a very stubborn girl, always wanting to do everything by myself... I think she had a tough time guiding me cause i am always so forgetful and careless... sometimes she looks like she wants to vomit blood. And I know when i make mistakes, she is the first one that gets the blame. Sometimes I feel guilty, but i really dunno how to express it to her... So I will just express it thru actions, cause actions speak louder than words. I beleive she genuinely wants to help us junior nurses...

But the time doing ice skating was really shiok and exciting... and i really look forward to going back again...

After that we walked around jurong point and I bought a dress from THIS FASHION. Its a really nice spaghetti strap dress, with a scarf that comes along it to tie the neck or waist. Eve picked it for me... cause i told her i dun have any dresses (yeah, dun laugh ... i really dun have). Cause i am not the dressy or girly sort of person. But i want to change , at least for a day and dress up to be someone beautiful, cause i guess i am not beautiful enough...

After that we ate at a shop that sells japanese bentos and I met lin yu (who happened to go jurong point to borrow books) and we ate together... Its so fated like some sort of drama...always bumping into ppl here and there.

Time in chinese gardens was fun too... Its actually my first time going there... In my opinion there is nothing fantastic about it... Its just the company that makes it worth it. I guess its the same for any activity. Depends whether u are in the mood for fun and company or silence and solitude. We took alot of pictures which i will try to upload on my blog...

Today was a really enjoyable day... I would love to write more but i feel too sleepy... i really need sleep cause tomorrow i still have to work afternoon shift.

2006-10-01T09:32:00.000+08:00

There are times when u really lose hope in urself u just become very quiet and withdrAWN. Then ppl think u are angry with them but the only person who u are upset is with is urself... I am tired... really tired... when can i really sleep in peace... when will these negative feelings go away...I feel sad. really sad... I was thinking it would be so nice to come back after a good cry and just let it all out but i just cant seem like crying... I really dunno what to do, I feel lost. Even God seems to have forsaken me... Or am I covering his pleas for me to come back to him with my business...

BRITTLE LIFE

2006-09-30T09:52:00.000+08:00

I feel rather upset... why is it life is sooo brittle... Today one of my patients under my care passed away. Although she was quite weak and ill looking I was really not expecting her to pass away, or at least not to pass away during my shift... When my junior told me, that the patient was unarousable, I faster put down all my things and ran to the patient trying to wake her up... Then the staff nurse in charge of me, Xu Yi told me to get a grip on myself and my job was to inform the doctor... After that I still had to continue on with my job and serve my afternoon meds... as if nothing had happened. As today was rather busy, Xu Yi helped me handle the death procedures as it was already time to pass report and i still had quite alot of stuff to do. Sometimes I wonder whether I am improving or not...

And today i got scolded quite alot of times. Mostly due to my carelessness... I now have the fear of handling controlled drugs. I feel that whenever i handle them, something is bound to happen... Haiz...

After work I went for my induction programme retest and this time i got 28 out of 30 which is a vast improvement from last time it was only 16 out of 30. Well... My studying did not go down the drain.... haha...

But another bad news arrived when I was finishing the test. The Nokia shop called and said my handphone parts had been corroded by the carrot juice and its unrepairable... so they asked me to come collect the phone to say my last good bye. haha.... looks i have to go around hunting for a new phone...

After the test i went for the oncology support group meeting conducted by sister lian... then she asked me to join and be involved in planning activities... But i really dunno about that...

2006-09-26T15:51:00.001+08:00

Today was a rather blessed day for me. I can see I am getting the gist of working life... Only that I have really forgetful genes and like to leave things lying around. And because of this i got quite a few scoldings... Today before i signed out my preceptor was asking me if i am on the same shift as her. Unfortunately I am not... Then she gave a very disapointed voice and said , why we cannot be together, then we can slog together... We both burst out laughing... Then she said we both make a very disastrous pair cause things always go wrong our shift when we are together... She herself is quite jinxed... add another jinko is disastrous... hehe... Then she said maybe its because she has not gone to church for a long time already... I agree with her. Maybe god is trying to tell something to me...

Then after I came home and bathed and changed, my brother asked whether i would like to go 7-11 with him and we both took a walk there... In the end he bought a sarsi while i bought a bottle of kickapoo... But it feels good to take a stroll at night sometimes... anyways tomorrow i dun have to wake up so early cause I am having afternoon shift .

HEALTH IS WEALTH

2006-09-25T09:56:00.000+08:00

Just came back from work at around 6 and i feel so exhausted... Today initially we had plans to celebrate my dad's birthday which is tomorrow... But I guess my dad had his plans... so I guess we will just celebrate it some other day...

I just have the urge to drink coke and eat potato chips and eat myself to my death which is exactly what i am doing now...May i become a big fat pig one day...

I think one day i might eventually fall sick from this lifestyle... i was looking into the mirror and i no longer have the pinkness from my cheeks... I look rather pale. There are eye bags under my eyes and i look so haggard. Today from the time i woke up to now i only ate one cup of instant noodles (which i brought to work) . Now i feel hungry yet have no apetite... Maybe one day I may be a patient in the ward...

Today one of my patients wanted to give me a basket of fruits but i refused it cause i dun like receiving gifts unless the patient has been discharged... She told me, she does not know how to thank me for taking care of her although she find herself very troublesome... I told her if she wants to thank me, she must get well then i dun mind receiving her gifts...

Another patient who was sort of ok yesterday , condition deteriorated drastically today as the cancer cells had spread to the spine and brain... Then the doctor was saying to be prepared for the worst... as the cancer had already spread too far to other organs.... Then 20 over ppl came to visit that patient (who was sorta confused) and they were all crying... I feel so sad when i see ppl crying. Sometimes i feel like crying along with them, and for a moment i almost did...

I dunno why i am suddenly saying all this out but i just feel like it.

JUST MY LUCK

2006-09-24T00:42:00.000+08:00

Recently i find I have not been in the best of luck... I am not paranoid but sometimes i feel so jinxed, like when i am there something bad will surely happen...I never used to be the person to believe in luck but recently I look around and see that some ppl aRE ALWATS MORE BLEssed than other while others are always "dao mei" getting themselves into trouble.Haiz... or am i just trying to find a reason for all of this happening...

Yesterday was alina's chalet bbq but i dunno why i feel so fatigued when i got there.... was it because of the flu jab i took before hand or is it because that day was quite a mentally taxing day... I really felt brain dead...Though my body was there my mind was already sleeping... Well no matter how tired i am i will surely go because its my friend's birthday... And not just any normal friend. But the food was definately nice though I did not eat alot...

After that i went home by taking a cab and after washing up straight away plopped on my bed as if i never sleep for gazillion years... but now i still feel rather sleepy. Not tired but sleepy... haha...Today is afternoon shift and hopefully its a good day... I think i am going to be the junior today so it wun be that baD... haha!!!

HAIZ

2006-09-22T13:55:00.000+08:00

Haiz... i can't believe this... i am never going to drink carrot juice again... Just now when i was having dinner with Pei li, she said something that made me suddenly feel excited and i just lifted my hands and accidently spilled the carrot juice i was drinking onto myself and my bag. I really didn't know so much carrot juice went into my bag , and whats worse I did not realise my handphone was in my bag. i thought it was safely tucked away in some pocket corner. In the end its all soaked with carrot juice and my brother is trying now to use a hair dryer to get rid of all the mist that is appearing in the screen. But he told me to prepare for the worst because it still can't seem to function... Haiz...I feel rather sad . Whats worst is the warranty sticky is unreadable due to the carrot juice. Then he said why do these things always happen to me... I said i did not know... Then he said i am very careless... Maybe i could not care less... But its just so frustrating sometimes...How can i be less careless....

Tomorrow is morning shift and i suddenly dun feel like going to work... Maybe cause of the handphone incident... After work will still have to go for alina's bbq 21st birthday party... We already got a surprise gift for her... Hehe.

NOT SO GOOD DAY...

2006-09-20T16:42:00.000+08:00

Today was probably a not so good day for me... As a matter of fact, its not good at all. Today was supposed to be afternoon shift but at 7.45 in the morning i was awaken by a call from the ward telling me that I am supposed to be having morning shift today... When i think about it i feel so wronged and rather irritated that no one bothered to tell me about the roster changes... The management is so screwed up... I think they only changed the roster like yesterday (when i was having my break ) or the day before yesterday... I just find it very inconsiderate...But what am i to do... I am just a small fry...

And today I did a stupidly horrible mistake... I think its a really big responsibility to be accountable for the recovery of very sick ppl sometimes... especially when u are in charge of 9 to 10... but because of something i did (or rather what I didn't do springing from my unobserveness). I almost cause adverse effects on a patient... sometimes its hard not to dislike urself when u let urself down...

Well fret not... tomorrow will be a better day. Its my off and i will be going out for a thai buffet at parkway with one of my favorite aunties.... hehe...

2006-09-20T14:39:00.000+08:00

All... please watch the show "The Devil wears Prada". Its damn nice. I give it 4.5 stars out of 5!!!!

Ganbatte all of u!!!

FUN DAY

2006-09-20T03:00:00.000+08:00

Yesterday i really enjoyed myself thoroughly... It was sooo nice . I went to work and found out I am only the In charge for 6 patients and there was this really nice staff nurse from A side to help me... Haha... then she kept on commenting I am so messy... and always leave my things around... The only probem is that my room got 2 chemo cases and both are using chemo or pherisible line... Up to now, I think my main weakness is dealing with chemo, cvc or pherisible line (the lines that come from neck veins), cause u have to be sterile as u can, Sometimes I am just not careful enough.But i found out though there are mood swing ppl, there are some really nice ppl... like one of my sisters she kept on telling me to ask her if I am not sure... I was just sooo touched.

When up was putting up the chemo for one of my patients, my other colleagues who are on leave today like Jolene and Jacqueline came back to "fetch" me from work. After bathing, we went to suntec for our k box session... But because of this imf thingy the whole are was barracaded... then we had to walk one big round thru marina square to millenia walk to suntec... Guan Yi and Shirley (same batch as me) joined us later... But the singing session really was very nice.. I think we ate about 10 bowls of nuts cause we were all so hungry...and we sang from 4 to 5 hours.I think we are just so different when we are in uniform and home clothes... In home clothes we all become our own normal selves... For most of us we become post teenagers again... and very much crazy... haha

After that there was no where to eat except macdonalds, so we ate that b4 going back.

I guess these type of outings do help to bond u further and sometimes i just like to plan... haha...

But I think after today working will be a bit more bearable to me... cause i know there are ppl i can lean on for encouragement to spur me on and to pray with...

All of us are so different , with our own good points... but we make a great bunch, hehe...

I am still thinking whether or not to go back to school to borrow the oncology book... I feel rather lazy. Today is my off for this week... hehe. in the afternoon will be going out with Jenny to watch a movie... i want to watch "the devil wears prada"... hehe

2006-09-18T17:14:00.000+08:00

I am sooo dead now... Now is already 2 am.. and I have less than 3 hours before I have to wake up for morning shift later on... Dunno why, i just can't seem to sleep. No matter how much i toss and turn so i just decided to read my story book which i rented from tampines. Its called "PS... I Love You" but i am still feeling so alert I just can't stand it... i know tomorrow morning I will be so dead tired... Blame me for staying up late the past few nights... And I am also quite excited cause tomorrow will be going out with my colleagues after work... it really makes me happy cause i find bonding is really important.... And maybe I am the sort of person that likes to plan outings to bond... Its good to encourage one another in times of need.

But i have been thinking. I have probably matured alot more in the pass 3 months than what i matured in the pass 3 years in school... In terms of physical I still look around the same but my dad said i now look around 18 or 19 compared to last time i look around 17 . Maybe the only weakness i have is i am quite blur... dunno why also... Maybe I need to eat more fish or drink brands essense of chicken and get more sleep (which I am obviously not doing). Sometimes i can't stand my blurness and will feel like knocking my own head. Even my preceptor said i am blur and always like to leave my pens or name chop lying around. (it can always be found on the nurses table or in the files, or my pocket).

After 3 years what will become of... will i still be the same or will i become a very professional individual... I guess i will be professional... But i hope i dun lose my smile. And I hope i dun lose the simplicity of life...cause sometimes i find ppl's mindsets are much too complex.... When actually it could be simple...After 3 years what will he become like... and another 3 years and another 3 years. Its really ok... i doubt i will ever see him. Was just wondering... Something u do in the middle of the night. All rightie ... will go to sleep now.

SERENITY

2006-09-18T09:54:00.000+08:00

I just woke up from a 2 hour nap and so far this has been the most refreshing rest I have gotten in a long time... Maybe the short break from work has done me good. it does not mean every day i have gone out making myself so exhauseted... I mean i did go out quite often but I also spent some times at home resting... I guess thats what I needed... I realise i cannot go on in life without surrendering everything to the one up there who is in control... Cause i have been stubbornly holding on refusing to let him take control...

This morning I went for service but i decided not to go for cell cause I feel I dun quite fit into cell group anymore.. probably I think too much.. i dunno. i just feel guitly that I am not able to give them my time, any committment of mine... Week after week I tell them the same old excuse that i cannot make it cause I have work... Btw its a fact... My work has eaten up on my spiritual life (and not only spiritual life for that matter). I dunno , maybe I will go back to my cell group the next time... I wonder how they are. i wonder if they remember me...

But sitting into the church service did do me good.. suddenly i felt surrounded by god's presence, by god's ppl. Suddenly i felt safe. And today after many days I finally picked up my bible to do my quiet time.,.. And i found a passage that suits my inner being... About just surrendering everything to God and casting all your cares on him cause he cares for you.In this way we can remain peaceful even if we are in life's tossed sea.We just have to learn to let go and let God take control...

Tomorrow will be morning shift. I think I will be in charge of 12 patients tomorrow but suddenly i dun feel scared anymore... Just surrender all my worries to him and do my best. After that I planned a outing with my colleagues to sing k box... then they can hear my melodious voice... Hehe!!!

2006-09-17T13:25:00.000+08:00

I prayed for a break from work and I finally got it... though i dun really know what to do on such a short notice... Somehow there seems to be an emptiness in my heart, like some sot of vacuum which i have especially felt after i started working. i really dunno why... Times when i sleep but i still wake up feeling mentally tired...

Today I went out with Jenny and Eve to go shopping at Far East Plaza... in the end I only bought a bag for work... After that we ate Turkish food for dinner. Its really nice and autenthic... something i would want to eat for a change. After that we chatted. its really nice to know everyone is going on well in their lives... I guess i really have to get over the fact thaT I also have to go on in my life and stop living in the past. Today is a present to us, thats why we call it a present! Anyways Eveline will be going for her Lasik surgery on tuesday so i would like to wish her all the best... Maybe one day I will also go for Lasik... after i get my braces... haha!!! then i will be no more Miss Buck Tooth...

Now is the time to get my life back in order. I find it messed up already... start loving myself again.

2006-09-08T14:58:00.000+08:00

Hi. its really been a while since I last blogged> Life has been pretty tough but somehow i managed to get by. I guess humans have this amazing capability to adapt under any circumstance... Work is something I enjoy, but to me its just work... Something I spend alot of time for. When its life to enjoy or just hang out or slack its something else. My walk with God has been really weakened during this period. In fact I feel so dry under I feel like a shrivelled prune. Sometimes my life gets so mundane trying to catch up in this rat race which i brought upon myself that I dun get much time to really pause and smell the flowers or get a time too really sit down and reflect. I dunno if its because i erase god from from my life that I feel so empty sometimes... Haiz...

IDLE

2006-08-23T14:45:00.000+08:00

The past 2 days have been a rather revitalising time for me... I have spent the last 2 days doing what I have never done for a long long time... Laze around and slack at home... Sounds boring to other but i find it really entertaining... Spending the time on what i want to do but never get to do like just sit endless hours in front of a box called the tv.... I am such a tv holic... reading up on any type of books besides nursing or medical books, surfing the net, playing computer games, taking a jog in the park...

Actually come to think of it... i find my life rather mundane and boring... Is it just me or is life generally just sianz and boring... Oh gosh I am just 20 years old and i am feeling like that. What has this world turned me into... I think after my probation when i sort of settle down I want to take up some other activities... Though I have not really thought of what to take up. Taekwondo? Kick boxing? Yoga ? Learn to play an instrument? go for driving classes? continue my knitting? Join the church choir ( a bit hard since its on every sunday). i really dun want to be another typical singaporean that hangs the phrase "No life" by my mouth... I want to have a life ... and a fulfilling one...

Shit... Tomorrow morning will have to go back to nyp library before work to renew some books. Haiz... thought i could sleep for a longer period...

OFF DAY

2006-08-23T01:46:00.000+08:00

Today is my off day and I am recovering from my flu.. Later will be going to chinatown to eat korean food with my mum and brother... i really seldom get the chance to go out with them nowadays... so really happy. Just now I just got a call from my mentor and we talked for a while... Its really nice to talk to someone senior sometimes.

Yesterday I was telling my brother that I find it harder to save money when I am working then when i was studying... Its really true.. transport and food take up a huge sum of money... Sometimes (though I try not to most of the time) I will take a cab to work... Haiz.. I got to stop that bad habit of mine... To try to wake up on time... When I start work have to pay bills here and there in the house, give money to my parents... I guess I am better than other cause I am not married or have kids or anything... But i sorta get it why singaporeans are so money faced sometimes...

I dun know what I want to do after 3 years but i know now is like a training ground for me... stretching to a limit i never knew i had... Everyday is a battle for me... I feel. But hopefully i can overcome it one day.

SCARY MOVIE

2006-08-20T12:16:00.000+08:00

Its a beautiful saturday morning and I will be going to work later... This morning did not really wake up in good spirits... I was kinda freaked out by a show I watched yesterday with Verna... its called "Ghost Game". I dunno whether my threshhold for scary movies has dropped drastically or if its really very scary but the show really freaked me out. Its about a group of 11 people who take part in a reality show to win a million dollar prize... then the task is to spend a week in a former torure prison and chamber for prisoners of war to see who has the guts to hang in there the longest. Little do they know the place is really haunted...

I think I will stay away from horror flicks for the time being...

Anyways after the show yesterday, we met up with angelina and went to a place called Miss U Cafe to eat our dinner. We stayed there until around 11.45 and after that me and verna rushed to take the last bus home.

FEELING SICK

2006-08-17T13:16:00.000+08:00

Now I sorta have the feeling like I am going to fall sick soon... The whole day it seems as if I got a bit of sore throat and hot is air is flowing through my nose... I just feel so fatigued though I did not do much... Actually I did do alot... Today went for training the whole day but almost dosed off halfway at the beginning of the lesson... I think the 3 days was very useful for me and I felt that I learnt a bit more about cancer nursing but that does not mean I am an expert...

Today someone asked a question... Do u have any goal in your life.... Do you know what u want to be, where u want to be for the next five years... Then it sort of triggered me to think and I realise I really dunno what I want to do with my life... Should I get a goal in life... I feel that currently I am just letting each day pass by without setting a goal... People who set goals are usually very successful... i think.

GOOD DAYS

2006-08-16T09:36:00.000+08:00

Today was a pretty good day, one with less troubles and stresses, cause I am going for my 3 days course on cancer nursing... Today is day 2... Its just like being back to my good old school days... Today we learnt about the different types of drugs we use for cancer patients, chemotherapy, what to do if chemotherapy drugs that suppose to be in the vein seep into the tissues, and wehat to do in case of chemo spillage. Its actually one of the only days in which we can go for full breaks on time with ur friends... My friend was telling me if she was given a chance to go back to school again she would go for every lesson cause school is really much more relaxing compared to work life...

Tomorrow will be the last day of our course and after that I will be meeting up with Chan, Alina and Jacq at PS after work to watch the show "Click"...

2006-08-14T14:24:00.000+08:00

Today is one of the rare days I can come back home early (around 1030)... Work today was quite good... I managed to go for a full break for the first time...

This morning went to church for the morning service... After that me, chui li , Yung, Waldy and pei Lee had our first prayer meeting... I really pray that all will go well... Anyways I could only stay for a while and after that have to take the express bus to sgh... The rest of my cell had some sort of farewell party for one of our members who are going overseas to study...so it was kinda frustrating that I had to drag myself to work and not join them for the party... But i guess i am sort of used to it already... The feeling of going back to work on a sunday... Taking the bus alone to work... Even on sundays the kopitiam in the hospital has less ppl... I guess in this life of ours, u got to live life and fight thru it very much alone... I really miss my student days in which we would have attachment in big groups... I guess i just like a good company... haha

The next 3 days I am on Training leave for some sort of Induction programme for Oncology Nursing... i guesss its a good break from normal ward work... which is pretty tiring... My next off day is on friday... Going out with Angelina and Verna in the evening to a place called Miss U Cafe.

PEACE, JOY, LOVE

2006-08-13T14:24:00.000+08:00

Today i feel very much at peace with myself... i was thinking how nice if everyone could be happy and contented so i started praying for the people around me, hoping that they are content with there lives and living their lives as fulfilling as possible... I was thinking about the person i used to like. Hopefully he is happy too...

The past week has not been too good for me . I really think I went thru alot and sometimes i feel i cannot take it already... Then i think about all my friends.,... They are probably going thru the same thing as me... but I have faith they will all emerge strong in it... so i must have faith in myself too, no matter how bleak everything seems... It might seem like my troubles are unique to me sometimes. I might wallow in self pity. But this is LIFE... we can't dodge at the troubles life throws our way but we can learn to counter it...

A Fragile Stone (Our Daily Bread passage for today)

2006-08-11T00:48:00.000+08:00

When writing on the life of Simon Peter, songwriter and author Michael Card described the apostle as "a fragile stone." It is a term filled with contrast, yet one that aptly describes Peter.

Throughout Peter's life, we see this contrast lived out as he displayed moments of courage followed by spiritual failure. After his declaration of Christ as the Son of God, Jesus said to him, “I also say to you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build My church, and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it" (Matthew 16:18). A rock. A stone. Peter, whose name means "a small stone," proved to be fragile when he tried to dissuade Jesus from going to the cross, and when he denied Him three times after His arrest.

Peter, the "fragile stone," reminds us that no amount of personal strength or talent can make us adequate for this life and its challenges. Only as we rest in the strength of Christ will we find His provision. When we acknowledge our frailty and dependence on Him, Christ's strength can empower us for the troubles life throws our way.

Like Peter, we are all "fragile stones." How grateful we can be for His strength that is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

God uses weakness to revealHis great sufficiency;
So if we let Him work through us,
His power we will see. - Sper
Only when we acknowledge our weakness can we be strong in the Lord.

Peter answered and said, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God."- Matthew 16:16

SUSTAINED IN SILENCE (Our Daily Bread Passage)

2006-08-10T13:30:00.000+08:00

Hudson Taylor (1832-1905) was the founder of the China Inland Mission and a great servant of God. But after the ferocious Boxer Rebellion of 1900, in which hundreds of his fellow missionaries were killed, Taylor was emotionally devastated and his health began to fail. Nearing the end of life’s journey, he wrote, “I am so weak that I cannot work. I cannot read my Bible; I cannot even pray. I can only lie still in God's arms like a child and trust."

Have you been passing through a time when you are tired of body and sick of heart? Do you find it difficult to focus your mind on biblical promises? Has it become hard for you to pray? Don't write yourself off as a spiritual castaway. You are joining a host of God's people who have experienced the dark night of the soul.

When we endure such times, all we can do - indeed, all we need do - is lie still like a child in the arms of our heavenly Father. Words aren't necessary. A comforting father doesn't expect his child to make speeches. Neither does God. He knows we need His soothing care. In times of trouble, His mercy holds us up (Psalm 94:18). We may trust Him to carry us through that dark night of the soul and on into the dawning light.

When we have nothing left but God, we’ll find that God is enough.

In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul. —Psalm 94:19

I am sorry ... to myself cause i feel i have been really wallowing in self pity the past few days, dragging myself down deep into the pits... can i really retain that child like me... can i just be me... Can i just lie in the arms of God and cast all my cares of him...

NaTIONAL DAY

2006-08-10T11:03:00.000+08:00

Year after year national day loses its meaning to me... There was once that i would be looking forward to national days... i Loved to sing national songs, and I loved the atmosphere at the ndp... but watching it on tv is totally not my cup of tea... i rather watch some others shows or just catch the more exciting parts such as the singing or the fireworks. I remember the fist time I watched a national day parade live was in 1997 when i was in primary 5. That was also the year i came to singapore... It was the best thing I had ever seen... That year was also the first time I went thru chinese new year and christmas and recived christmas presents... What i used to look forward to has become just something that is practised every year as time passes...

2006-08-09T16:02:00.000+08:00

Have u ever thought that depressing thoughts always stem from u urself. They coome to u cause u make them enter ur small tiny brain... This is a message to myself... Cause sometimes i will feel very depressing thoughts as any one of us.... I seriously dunno why it happens also... it just comes and goes... Yesterday was one of the lousiest days for me.... my favorite patient died after waving good morning to me so cheerfully, i was put in charge, I am sooo blur about in charge work until sometimes i practically have to go about it asking ppl around me, and ppl usually dun give u a very pleasant face when they are stressed up and busy, sometimes they will say sarcastic remarks, but u got to do it if u want to get ur work done. Yesterday i passed a very lousy report to the next shift and they were all black face with me and said if u dunno u got to open up ur mouth and ask... Haiz.. i also dunno what they want with me... when i ask they get irritated, when i dun ask they get black face... so i decided life is sometimes like that... maybe i got to change myself... i think i have been too soft spoken until sometimes i feel invisible and not heard... yesterday i kept on telling ppl sorry when i made mistakes . Its a really lousy feeling... So I dun want to use the word "Sorry " anymore cause it carries no more meaning for me...

Sometimes u just dislike urself too much until u want to tortur urself with these thoughts... thats why i said it comes from urself. I remember someone told me its very important to love myself... And I found out its the worst feeling to have so to cry about but no tears will come out...

Anyways that was yesterday... I told myself not to bring that depressing feeling to the next day...Today I decided to spend some time with myself though I dunno what exactly that means to do... But i think i need it...

I want to change myself ... I think i need to do it now. but dun worry, i will still be jolyn...

IS THIS MY LIFE

2006-08-08T01:19:00.000+08:00

When i start my working life... i try my best, use up a heck lot of mental physical energy, look forward to off days to plan things such as going out with friends... No more time can be squeezed to go church or other places sometimes... Though I really want to go and take up courses or do something exciting but i seldom find the energy or time... Then i start to think , is this my life... I really want to make my life more interesting, cause if 3/4 of it goes to work sometimes u tend to feel a bit empty when u find out the remaining time has to go to rest or the teensy witsy time to go out.... No wonder they say sometimes working life sucks... its like having no life... or maybe i need to really get used to it... i could say i am still pretty new so maybe time managemnt is not too good??? But now I am experiencing a bit of monday blues cause i just had a really good off day yesterday... went to church, had a really good fellowship with my cell... watched the lake house in the evening.... Its so romantic... aww... feel reluctant to go back to the reality world again today... Yesterday i signed up for a course on "personal Holiness in times of Temptation" Its on a friday night and saturday afternoon... Why would I want to go for courses on a off day... Dunno also... Sometimes i dunno what i want to do with my life... Just want to get enlightenment maybe. Thank God National Day i am off... Probably going out with my cell group somewhere in singapore.

LEARNING

2006-08-06T02:59:00.000+08:00

Today I was in charge of 5 patients... and I feel it was a okok experience and that I learnt alot. From the different sort of medications to porta cath dressing to withdrawing blood from porta cath needle... Today i was with my preceptor... Though I admit sometimes she can be really naggy but i feel i really can learn alot of things from her... I used to be very stressed whenever I am with her cause she always has something to comment no matter whether i did a good job or not... But i think under her I will make a better nurse... And there was also another senior staff nurse, though she likes to scold ppl but sometimes i think she talks sense... so I will change if i feel I need to (I mean change my bad habits)... Probably this is the process of maturing slowly.

On the way home I met up with Kavi. It was not planned. i just bumped into him at the bus interchange when we were both queing for buses.... its nice to see a old friend after a long time!

Tomorrow will be going for church and maybe go out with my cell for lunch after that...
Then will be going out with Angelina to watch "The lake House" which was actually supposed to be last week but she was sick so we are changing it to tomorrow.... I really really want to watch the show. hehe

NEW MP3 PLAYER

2006-07-28T15:19:00.000+08:00

Today I bought a mp3 player for myself.. Its a samsung model and it looks like a chocolate bar.. I am extremely fascinated with this new apparatus... Now I am charging it first
. Maybe later I can sort out all my songs I want inside... Yippee... hehe...

Anyways had a really joyous time with my friends this evening... though it feels sad that we are all going different directions in life and its hard to get everyone together sometimes...

When I start working, off days are the days i look forward to... My off days are really fully utilised. I seldom stay at home or try not to unless I am really really tired and need a rest. i find nowadays i rather go out with a few close friends rather then a big group of okok friends... maybe its true when they said that when u start work, ur circle of friends become smaller. U just want to spend time with someone u are comfortable with... hehe... Maybe cause i am still adapting to working life and shift work ba.

Nowadays everyday is the same to me... i can hardly remember what day of the week it is cause I dun have a monday to friday job... sometimes I even work on saturdays and sundays (which sucks). I guess this needs a bit of getting used to... Chan also told me I look as if I have been losing weight. I guess sometimes i skip my meals though I know I am not suppose to do that. But sometimes there is too much work to do until i am unable to go for breaks.

This sunday will be going out with Angelina to watch "The Lake House" after work... really looking forward to it.

KNOWLEGE IS POWER

2006-07-28T05:34:00.000+08:00

Today is my off day, and i am reading up on a book called "Oncology Nursing in Practice". Its quite good cause it explains on anything about cancer from from the basics , radiation therapy , chemotherapy to the different diagnosis and different treatment. I decided to read up on this book cause i find myself very ignorant when i go to work. I know my patients have cancer but i dunno what sort of management to give them or how to handle the signs and symtoms of chemotherapy... I guess I am the more of a practical person, yet sometimes my theory is not really very good...

Currently i am reading up on a chapter on radiation therapy. I feel rather blur when they explain on the physics of radiation (which i think i learnt in secondary school physics which i totally gave back to my beloved Lee KS.) So I skipped a portion of it and jumped directly to radiotherapy as a intervention which i guess is the most important thing.

And here is a comment i really want to add in... i really miss secondary school though i was rather a outcaste... hehe...

Yesterday I went out with my mum and we went to a place called Liang Court... She wanted to buy a certain special sort of charcoal from japan from this special oak tree that is suppose to get rid of smells and purify the air... i heard from some other ppl its pretty effective.... Now i have a bowl of charcoal in my room... Tea leaves is also a very good absorber of smells. I put a packet of tea leaves in my cupboard... Haha.. maybe ppl reading this may think i am weird...

Later on, will be meeting up with Jacq, Chan, Eve and Alina to eat Subway then sing K Box... i dun mind going home a bit later today since tomorrow is afternoon shift but jacq wants to go off earlier since this month is seventh month.

And I guess its back to work tomorrow. now I feel rather neutral about it... Work is work... can't say I dislike it. In fact i enjoy myself but i do seperate work and play... though sometimes i try to mix them together to make life easier.

DEATH AND LOVE

2006-07-27T01:52:00.000+08:00

Recently I find myself gradually changing in person... i dunno whether its a good thing or not... I have leaRNt to take it easy whatever happens , to remain calm under all circumstances (I am still working on that) and to accept anything that comes to me if I can't change it... I guess in life there are alot of things that dun really go ur way... U can't stop it from happening but u can change ur response. In my work place i see death like no ones business, I see people suffering to their last breath, i see people crying , I see people accepting christ on their death bed... But I dun feel sad ... just something that I have sort of accepted.Neither do i feel bitter or hard. I sort of feel peaceful, cause they are no longer suffering. I think the only thing that sustains me is my joy in being with these people that need so much comfort in the last journey of their lives.

I have been listening to this song called Cai Hong Tian Tang... I used to feel how nice if I could just die and be free from all troubles... Hopefully I go to heaven. What would heaven be like . Would I be able to see rainbows... haha... sounds rather lame... To me rainbows signify hope so i feel extremely hopeful when i see them. However i have not seen a rainbow for a rather long time. Then when i started work and see so many deaths and people struggling for their lives I feel rather foolish... My mindset has not changed but i just live from day to day and try to live the bestest i can ( grammatically incorrect... but who cares)...

Hopefully I get to live long enough to experiece love... haha. i think girls just like the feeling of being loved, for someone to accept them for who they are. Unfortunately i guess maybe most people love for the sake of being loved, or maybe to show off their latest fling to their friends (I have no idea)... To me love is accepting each other for their good and not so good qualities to support each other in good times and bad. I can't say I 100 percent believe in true love nowadays. I can only say I have one story to tell about true love. Its sounds too good to be true but its true. Hopefully i find this sort of love.

I used to have this patient ( lets just call her jane). Then she had end stage cancer and already amputated her leg and her chemo had made her drop all her hair... So when she was in my ward she was rather serious already.. She had a sacral sore from sitting on the bed too long, she had become confused and she could not eat with her mouth, she had to be fed thru tube feeding... Every day her husband would come over after workand he would actually bring clothes to change and sleep in the hospital... Then everyime i needed to clean her up or change her diapers he would always help me and i so admired his gentleness to her. Everyitme he would voluntarily do the tube feeding. Then sometimes i could see him sleeping and holding on to her hand, sometimes i could see him praying for her until he actually cried... One day when i was attending to another patient... on the day before jane passed away i could hear him say to her, "Don't worry about us, I will take care of our 3 children, If u feel tired u can just go on first, I promise i will be strong. And knowing u has been the most wonderful period of my life. I love you" I know i am not supposed to eavedrop but its so touching... like something that happens in the shows... For someone to love u for who u are and goes thru thick and thin with u. To love u though u are balding, crippled . I still beleives true love exists because of this... it just probably wun come to me... haha. Or hopefully i dun have to get cnacer to expereince it.

I guess the superficial love ppl experience nowadays (not everyone) is very small compared to this sort of love. And this is the sort of love i guess most girls (i dunno about guys... they are another species) are looking for. Sometimes they dun get that so sometimes they just love for the sake of feeling loved.

Haha.. i think i better stop here before i get confused with words... Its easy to understand but difficult to comprehend. I would just like to wish everyone that they may find true love in their lives.!!!

FATIGUED

2006-07-26T15:35:00.000+08:00

After nine days straight of working, i finally get my off day... i feel so tired worn out from all the shift work and lack of sleep...Just slept 4 hours straight when i came back... going to sleep more... Last night only had 2 hours of sleep cause had to study for a test on IV medications which was today. Btw I find myself rather jinxed. Everytime i am on shift, there will be people passing away. It happened 3 times in 5 days... Dunno whether it is a good thing ot bad thing... Good cause they are finally away from suffering... Bad cause I have to clean up dead bodies...

Tomorrow might be going out with my mum to go shopping or just hang out... Never go out with her for ages...

BUSY DAY

2006-07-15T00:40:00.000+08:00

Today I am having afternoon shift. I woke up with a pimple on my cheek. I think its because the past few days have been damn stressful. Yesterday I was the one and only junior for 12 patients. It was really busy until i did not even have the time to go for my break. But its definately not as stressful as doing in charge work cause junior work is something I am familiar with. However, its definately more physically demanding. But i still like it cause there is more patient contact.

I developed my own schedule for afternoon shift junior work

Come on duty early and get to know ur each and every patient well. Do ur delegated duties such as counting equipment, controlled drugs, stat drugs or resus trolley

1.15: Central report
1.30: Make rounds with the actual in charge which i dun really follow that closely cause she is super fast ( I already made my own rounds)
1.35: Take report from previous shift, take note of diagnosis of every patient, and things to note, any special mentions, look through clinical charts. Take note of who need hour monitoring or need to record intake output, or who is on ventolin... etc... if previous shift never finish updating them question them
2: Do parameters, update some charts
2.30: pREPARE DRIPS NEEDED FOR THE DAY
2.45: Do a round of changing diapers, update charts again if able to
3-5: This period is actually a period in which the day is rather stagnant, unless, there are patient admissions, collapse... etc... Do what u are supposed to do like tube feeding, give ventolin (a time in which we can follow the staff nurse and maybe do some skills)
5.30: Blood Glucose monitoring
5.30- 6.15: Do Parameters and update all charts
6.15- 7: Serve diet, update intake output, maybe can go for fast break when they eating
7-9.30: Tube feeding,,, any nitty gritty things u have not done, answer call bells, update charts for next shift handover, changing second round of pampers... maybe can help to serve meds with the staff nurse if really free (but not rwally possible when u are the only one). Help to check again all drips are running, maintain a good atmosphere in the rooms that u are in...

Haha... this is my own schedule i planned. It seems like the perfect thing for me when I am doing junior work... haha... But usually life is not as simple as it seems... There are things that crop up here and there...

MOODY MOOD

2006-07-10T07:18:00.000+08:00

Now I am feeling damn moody. And the worst thing is I dunno why I am moody for, just feel very short tempered and irritable now... What the hell is wrong with me. Do i have some psychological illness... Haiz... I just vented a bit of my irritation on my brother when he tried to come into my room when i was packing it... I told him now to come into my room in a harsh tone. Now I think he is angry at me... Haiz.. why am I the way I am . I am such an unbalanced person...

2006-06-30T09:29:00.000+08:00

I dare not think about the future... and I dun want to be too immersed in the past... i only live in the present telling myself to take things a step at a time. Trying new things means sometimes coming out of our shell, our fears and insecurities and maturing through the process. How sometimes I wish things would not change so fast...

COURSE ON IV CANNULATION

2006-06-27T09:09:00.000+08:00

I am super tired now. Today i went to a place called the Alice Lee Institute of Advanced Nursing to go for a course on Intravenous Cannulation... So now i am certified to poke ppl... wait not yet lah... I passed my practical on the mannequin but i still have to do it on 5 other patients in the ward and be assessed by my preceptor or my sister... Did I tell anyone about my preceptor. I got the same preceptor as during my PRCP... she is scary... sarcastic, comments on any little thing about u even if u did nothing wrong, she is also a super gan chiong person... Hope I can work together with her well...

I failed my theory test for cannulation... I think i was the only one to fail... Haiz... I made really stupid mistakes... But I guess I learnt more from this failure. I am not a loser just because i failed a test. But if i can accept my shortcoming with a open heart and learn from it , i think i will become a better and more knowlegable person... Anyways i passed my retest, so its not to bad after all...

PICture taken on 19/6/06 : I had to rush off to SGH straight after graduation... such a realistic life.

2006-06-26T03:21:00.000+08:00

SUNDAYS

2006-06-26T03:16:00.000+08:00

Sundays... a good time to relax, a good time to check up on ur emails, clean your room which looks like a pig sty for the past week, wash ur uniforms , drip dry them and iron them... A good day to bathe your cats, clean their shit pans... a good day to do something relaxing before going back to work on monday... (this does not apply when we start shift duties). It is also a good day to study and read the bible to grow closer to God.

Verna told me something... The only release from life and its troubles is death. Sometimes i also wish that death could take me away. IT would be a much easier route for me but a harder one for others... But now I still want to do alot of things in this life of mine so i am not ready for death... So I should embrace life even more... Sorry if this sounds like crap.

INNER THOUGHTS

2006-06-26T01:50:00.000+08:00

The pass few days I have been asking myself how do I,as a newbie in the working world gain more confidence. I was partially troubled by this question cause I think I am really a person with very low self confidence. If I know something but am not too sure I will take it as I dunno. Wheras there is another nyp girl with me, she is new to the ward but she seems to adapt really fast and has much more confidence than me... I think as a student nurse its still ok if u dun have enough confidence but as a staff nurse u must have the basic confidence... I really want to change myself yet I am aware of the fact that confidence is not built up overnight. One of my friends who had to repeat her prcp told me at first she had very low self confidence and self esteem. At first she wanted to run away from her naggy staff but after a while she learned to accept her situation. When she thought about whatever outcome she would have she felt very inconfident but then she focused on day to day basis, just trying to do and learn as much as she can for the day. And she eventually gained more confidence... I think I am also that sort of person. I am inconfident mostly cause I feel I am not up to the staff nurse title but if I take it one day at a time I am sure I will learn more and more... I think I should just take it easy... haha!!!

Yesterday after the half day of course in SGH I went out with Alina at Orchard Cineleisure to watch the show "Just My Luck". The show was really nice. About this girl who always had good luck in her life and a guy that was very "dao mei" always. One day they met and kissed (they kissed at a masquerade party and both parties were masked) and all the luck got exchanged. The guy who really needed the luck was more successful in her career. The girl lost everything she had... her job and in the end she had to work as a toilet cleaner. But the girl learned alot of stuff she did not when she had all the luck. The two parties met and became friends and eventually fell with one another. But the girl already decided to give all her luck to the guy cause she felt he needed it more than her and she said though she did not have luck she had learnt alot. In the end she decided to leave the guy cause if they kissed all the luck would be transferred back to her again. But the guy told her (when he found out the truth) that he would not be unlucky if he did not have luck cause he had her by his side... In the end they both kissed another small girl (who was also always unlucky ) cause they thought she needed it more than her. And I think both of them became neutral of either both unlucky... haha!!! I give the show shoe 4 1/4 stars out of 5. Definately worth watching if u want something to cheer you up...

Sometimes I think I am a rather unlucky person also. Like I always get caught in the rain, fall over things, drop things and I seldom win any thing... but i guess we have to take it easy in life... If it rains bring an umbrella (which i always forget), Be more careful when I am walking or doing stuff... Some things we can't change we should not bother about them.

Then after the movie we met up with jacqueline and Jenny and went to eat at Pepper Lunch. Its not too bad but not exactly the best place to sit down and talk cause everyone is cooking their food. The food was pretty nice. I would probably give it 3 and a half stars out of 5. The pepper made the dish very fragrant but the rice was sometimes too hard as it was overcooked. After that we walked around and did some window shopping and sat down on the nice couches of Star Bucks Coffe in Wisma. Wetalked from around 7.30 to 9.30.. Its really surprising we had so much to talk on. After talking to them all my fears and troubles seem to have disapeared (actually they have not, I just feel I am better prepared to handle them). I think its really impt to have a support group of friends u can rely on in times of need. Cause i am the sort that does not like to keep everything to myself until I burst. i will definately say it out...

MEANINGFUL STORY: THE FROG STORY

2006-06-21T10:33:00.000+08:00

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all of their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died. The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time. This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words.... it is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of thespirit to continue in difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.

Author Unknown.

Something i learnt today: If it is to be, it is up to me!!!

GRADUATION

2006-06-20T09:01:00.000+08:00

Today was my graduation day... It was a rather boring event but I guess it marks a new chapter of our life... Its not the end rather the beginning.... I am sooo embarassed. I made a real big fool of myself in front of everyone... After walking to the guest of honour and shaking his hand I suddenly did not know what to do and was suppose to pose for photographs with the GOH but suddenly I felt blank and forgot to smile and hold my cert and smile for my photograph... Arrggh. dun want to talk about it... when i think about it i feel like strangling myself. I can't stand my blurness sometimes... haha. But this is so malu... Anyways, at least I have an experience of going on stage to receive a prize. The last time I actually went on stage to receive a prize was in Primary Five when I got second in class...

Everyone looked very pretty and formal. I feel very proud when I was reciting the Nurse's Pledge. I really want to be the sort of person that can uphold the nursing profession.

CONFIRMATION

2006-06-17T09:30:00.000+08:00

Ok... so I officially got the red light that i am confirmed to be going to Ward 48 Medical Oncology. None of my batch students who were with me during my last attachment are back in the ward, which makes me feel a bit sad. Rather i am together with one other person who i dunno. Suddenly i wonder whether I made the correct choice but now I know I can't change it already...

2nd Day of work : Foundation Programme

2006-06-13T23:06:00.000+08:00

Today was quite boring day of my Foundation programme. I have not been told which ward I will be going to. They said i should get that info latest by Thursday. I just told myself to take it as it comes. Today we had newly passed of staff nurses from KKH to join us for some core foundation programme. Today all those ppl giving us talks were those ppl in high positions such as directors or assistant director of nursing of SGH, National Eye Centre, CGH etc... So they were telling us about stuff like Nursing Career path, Joint Commision International audit which is supposedly suppose to take place in the hospital next year.

Then me and Verna were discussing about what we would like to specialise in if given a choice. Her choice is paediatrics and Midwifery. For me it would be Medical Surgical nursing (cause its a very broad and general course), Oncology Nursing or Midwifery (i dunno . I just thought it would be nice to be working in the labour ward or seeing a new life come this world). But off course anything is too early to say... We still have lots to go through.

Today i had this very serious problem of mood swings. I dunno why... I think it must be the time of the month again. I dun feel like talking like i usually do, in fact I just want ppl to leave me alone. hehe... I think its a really bad problem of mine... I know sometimes when i am moody, I will still be nice to the patient but i will be more task orientated. Cause i can't possibly show them a black face. I seem to be a very isolated person when i am like this, suddenly losing my ability to be what i am usually like. Actually I also realised that I have an extremely low confidence level... I really want to try to increase my confidence level. I think as a person, as a young adult, as a new nurse I still have alot to grow...

Anyways now trying to study for a test for tomorrow. I dun really think it should be a problem cause its on Diabetes... something I am quite familiar with.

POOR LITTLE CAT

2006-06-13T12:27:00.000+08:00

Dunno why. I am soo tired now though i didn't do much at work cause it was mainly orientation. Just went over to jenny's place to pass her some things and she gave me back my clinical book. Now just feeling a bit sick... Dunno this morning kept on vomiting gastric fluid and the whole day got no apetite to eat... Anyways on the way back from jenny's house i passed by one hdb flat and I saw this cat who was really badly injured... Her whole head was bleeding... I dunno whether she got scalded until all her fur came out, or was she tortured. Actually at first I wanted to touch her then i decided not to cause she was all bloody. So I faster rushed back home, took a pair of gloves, some wet wipes, water, wet cat food. Then I went down there again and did dressing for the poor little cat (of course i practiced the surgically clean method wearing gloves and all... ) Hopefully her wound would not grow maggots. Actually I thought of putting a bandage around her head, then i thought to myself it would be very funny to see a stray cat walking around with a bandage around her head . Furthermore i never tried bandaging a cats head b4 although its probably the same as bandaging a human. Then after that I gave it some food i brought along... Actually I dunno whether I did a kind deed or was a incredibly stupid looking trying to do dressing on a cat. I know its probably all dirty running around again. But i did what i felt I should do...
Anyways I am just so cranky now. My mind is not thinking properly. Sometimes i can't stand myself for being so simple minded.

SLEEPNESS NIGHT

2006-06-13T03:48:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow I start work yet I can seen to get to sleep. I am just too excited. This is just not my style. I dun remember being this excited for attachment even my first one... I only know Alina has this problem of tossing and turning in bed syndrome before her attachment but not me leh...

Anyways today I met up with Angelina in the evening and we chatted at Coffe Bean and at the Oyster mee Sua and chicken cutlet from Shi Lin... The Chicken cutlet is ok but the oyster mee sua was quite sour and filling.... erm and not really to my liking .

INNER TURMOIL

2006-06-11T16:58:00.000+08:00

Was feeling rather depressed today. I guess everyone of us has their down days now and then... This was just an inner turmoil. People outside sometimes dun know whats going in inside me or what i am thinking. But actually i rather they not know. But I was really sad and I listened to this song which I got from "At Dolphin Bay" soundtrack. its supposedly a taiwanese drama series but the song is christian.

Its called Journey written and sung by Corrine may

It's a long long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long long journey I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you
Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong
I know I will falter I know I will cry
I know you'll be standing by my side
It's a long long journey
And I need to be close to you
sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through
Cause It's a long long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on calvary
Beneath those stormy skies
When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feel like everything is out to make me lose control
Coze it's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you...to you

I can even sing this song until i remember the lyrics.
Sometimes as a human being there are bound to be pessimistic or negative thoughts from the situations in life. its not exactly a wonderful world . in fact it can be quite shitty... And its a normal thing to be down sometimes. But Just as the song says Satan mocks me and uses this to control my thoughts. And sometimes its not the event that kills but the thoughts that kill.
I have seen how thought can ruin a person... It does not affect one single person but rather everyone... People will always be in Satan's clutches...

Then I remembered something i learnt in church
we cannot let ourself be tossed here and there by the evil ones..subjecting ourselves to Satan's clutches, we shud realli stand up boldly, with the authorit and power GIVEN to us b the heavenly father..
and be strong against Satan..
then once he sees that u are a child of God and not easily to be bullied, he'll leave u alone

I suddenly remember the significance of one of the verses I read.

To keep me from being conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messanger of Satan, to torment me. Three times i pleaded with God to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak then I am strong.
Corinthians 12 : 7-10

I think i am a sinful person cause humans are sinful. I lie, I procrastinate, i curse... I even lied to my cell group leader cause i dun feel like going church tomorrow. Sometimes i find life is so hard to be totally honest and pure in thoughts as God wants us to be... So sometimes I dun feel good enough for being God' Child...

Anyways tomorrow will be meeting up with angelina . She agreed to accompany me to pasir ris park. Then we can eat dinner under the stars at the beach there. I even told her I will bring my song book so we can sing songs... Err,, hopefully it makes up for lying to my cell group leader. hehe... i feel guilty.

FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN

2006-06-11T13:24:00.000+08:00

Monday i start work. I feel excited yet I feel scared... Its something like getting pre marriage jitters... I am more of less scared of the unknown cause though I know what is expected of me, knowing and doing are 2 different things. My friend told me that i should be happy that I am going to be a staff nurse but i just feel uncertain... haiz.. can someone help me...

Tomorrow i decided to skip church... I feel like being with god but i dun want to be with ppl and going to church is something like being with alot of ppl sometimes... I want to go to a place where I can quieten my heart down. Maybe pasir ris park. I always go there when I feel like being alone with just me, myself and nature...

Today i met up with Verna and Cat and we went to parkway parade K Box to sing... I really want to join the church choir. I guess that will have to wait...

MY PAL

2006-06-10T10:40:00.000+08:00

Dunno why suddenly i feel quite sad... though not totally.. its for a very stupid reason. Cause in 2 days time I will be starting my work life. And my good friend Alina just got a call that she will starting work with the next batch of prcp students for our cohort in july cause there is some problem with her medical report particularly the TB thing (cause last time we did a TB research test and her scar ended up to be bigger). So they need to do some standard procedures to verify it again... Haiz... But feel kinda sad that she wun be together with me for orientation... Even though sometimes during attachment we dun have time to bother about each other... But she is the kind of person thats presence brings me comfort and makes me feel that perhaps this world is not that cold after all... Since year one we have gone thru soo much together, from orientation, ups and downs in schooling, OT, A and E, Geron, IMH, PRCP... even though sometimes we are not together in the same ward but sometimes we would call each other after work to grumble about work... In my poly I have made very close friends particularly Jenny, Eveline, Chan but Alina is the one that has gone thru the most with me... Though she is not necessarily the one I will tell all my secrets but she is definately a person that is fun to be with, nice to study with, great to be her friend cause she will always photocopy notes and remind me to do this and that... I realise sometimes I rely on her as a pal... but we all need someone to rely on now and then. Anyways hope she enjoys her extended holidays. Though I am not with her physically my heart will be her when she is having fun... heheh!!!

A DAY IN MY SISTER'S HOUSE

2006-06-09T04:40:00.000+08:00

Now I am currently in my sisters house. I came over last night mainly cause i am rather bored at home and wanted a change of environment and secondly, to entertain her a bit too... cause i know she is rather lonely especially after her husband went to work in Dubai. However i dun seem to be entertaining her that much lah... I make myself very much at home so she does not have to bother about me much... But i guess sometimes its the presence that comforts u...

Now not doing anything much... just going online in my free time, chatting on msn, blogging, watching this korean show called "All In". its not bad. just that the sound quality for the vcd not too good... Later i will be meeting up with my old church friends from Bethesda frankel... i think i have not seen them for 4 to 5 years so hope it will be good.

Anyways yesterday i chatted with my sister before we were about to sleep... She is going over to Dubai to work in July... It might be long term but then amount she earns is soooo much more than what she earns in singapore... I really find her very very capable... i think she is the most capable woman in my life ... Even when i was young i found her character so outstanding and she is sooo daring and courageous. If i put myself next to her i feel like a piece of wall paper... haha... Last time when i waqs younger i used to want to become like her but now not really. i am ok with who I am... haha...

ANIME WORTH WATCHING

2006-06-08T04:15:00.000+08:00

I just finished a anime that Alina lent me.. its called Chrno Crusade and the ending is really really sad... Alot of people died in the show... But never theless its a anime worth watching though I gotta admit I dun really watch that much anime nowadays.

Oh and Pei lee introduced me to a radio station at www. z883.com. It is an amrican radio station with all the christian songs... its quite nice.

Thinking of what to do for the next few days. This week has been rather sianz and boring.

Some pictures I took recently

2006-06-07T16:19:00.000+08:00

All of us are wet after playing the water ride!!!

Picture for the Seoul garden outing with some of my class mates after exams
Picture at escape theme park on 5/6/06

A DAY IN THE KITCHEN

2006-06-07T09:23:00.000+08:00

Today dunno what got into me. I suddenly have the urge to whip up a nice and hearty meal... so i spent most of my after noon in the kitchen. I made Japanese curry with carrots, potatoes and chicken breast, Cream of mushroom (not the campbell can type). So that was my dinner. Actually was in the process of making somemore things but suddenly my kitchen ran out of gas. Initially also wanted to make baked chicken wings and make a salad stuffed inside taupok... Then my father ate what I cooked for dinner then he said next time I can cook all the meals.. errr... I only cooked today cause I have the mood for it... But I think I will be too lazy to cook everyday.

Next week my work officially starts... 6 more days to go...

FEAR IN MY HEART

2006-06-06T15:13:00.000+08:00

I feel fearful to start work.. will I have time for church or cell group... My leader asked me if i want to be baptised but i dun want this to be a rash decision. What if I drift away... what if... so many what ifs... Is it cause my faith is not firmly grounded... I always thought baptism is like a lifetime decision and I dun want it to end up in divorce. I think i think too much liao...

THANK GOD FOR PAINFUL LESSONS

2006-06-04T15:14:00.000+08:00

Today God taught me a valuable lesson.... To be alert of the surroundings around me and protect what is mine. I must also be aware that evil and temptation lurks in every corners of human heart... Haiz... actually dun wanna talk much into it... Its just a bit traumatising. But from painful lessons u are bound to learn from it. U can't always blame ur surroundings . Sometimes u gotta look at urself and see if the problem lies partly with urself.

But i learnt that although sometimes at time in situations when u feel bleak and hopeless there are always angels to guide me and give me comfort. Thank God for them... I have been thinking and thinking. Should I dedicate my life to God...

HAIZ...

2006-06-04T01:00:00.000+08:00

Today will be going out with Angelina for some shopping or maybe more like window shopping. Then after that in the evening going to bring her to meet up with my cell group to watch X Men together.

Anyways yesterday my father just came back from China yesterday after being there for 6 weeks... I can't really say i miss him at all... And i feel very guilty cause I sort of forgot i had a father sometimes. I think maybe cause since young I seldom communicate or talk to him thats why I am not close to him at all... but it just feels weird to have a father around in the house sometimes. Am I suppose to act all happy and jubilant and start to shower him with coffee , tea and me. Maybe i am not affectionate enough. I feel that though sometimes ppl live under the same roof they might not necessarily know each others thoughts very well In this sort of case father-daughter sort of becomes a formality. I am not saying I hate him or anything, just that i dun feel anything for him. I think what happened in the past will indirectly affect ur behaviour in the future. Haiz.... Talking about this let me link it to another topic, Jenny told me the way u feel towards God will be reflected in the way u feel towards ur earthly father.. jia Lat...

NEW SHOES AND UNIFORM. A NEW STart

2006-06-03T04:46:00.000+08:00

This is one of my favorite songs by Cyndi Wang Xin Ling... though its pretty old.

Today went out with Alina for a while to go back to SGH to collect my uniform and shoes for work... Now i'm pretty tired.. I think I should rest a while cause later I'll be going out with Pei lee for a run... The past few days have been quite tiring being out and about and I seldom have the time to stay at home and slack... I spent quite a bit of money... but then i guess its ok since I'll be starting work soon and wun be able to go out and spend so often then... After the malaysia and thailand trip I started to love going shopping... wheras last time I used to hate going shopping. The first thing I want to get with my first pay besides giving a sum of it to my mom is to buy a mp3 player. Then my journey to work will be accompanied by songs ... hehe... Maybe buy a IPod.. cause the previous time I got a free creative mp3 player and it broke down...

A DaY OF MY HOLIDAY

2006-06-02T16:37:00.000+08:00

Today my nursing group of friends which comprises of Chan, Eve, Jacq, Alina and me went out to eat at Eve's working place called Romankan Yokohama. The food is not bad. I give it 7 stars out of 10... hehe... cause some of the food a bit too salty. I stronly recommend the curry chicken cutlet rice... its superb. Eve looks really cute in her milk maid uniform... After Eve finished her work we met up with her and went to play arcade games... We played Daytona and the basketball game which is damn fun.. i came in 3rd out of fifth position in the Daytona game which is quite good considering that I got into alot of "car accidents". I think I am really toot when it comes to playing arcade games cause I hardly go to the arcade to play, even when i was younger... i was such a nerd.

Now my feet hurts. I think I really need the ankle guard cause the pain has been on and off especially when i go into air con rooms... its probably rheumatism... This happens when u dun take care of urself... injuries from my training last time can have a lasting effect... I have a horrendously big ulcer in my mouth too which is really painful... feels like my mouth is going thru some tooth ache.

Me and angelina decided to meet up to go and buy some formal clothing, cause she needs them for her work and i need it for my graduation... And she even told me she would teach me how to put on make up... woo hoo... its great having such a great friend like her!

2006-05-27T16:06:00.000+08:00

Hello, its been a while since i last blogged and its already 3 weeks into the holidays... they are reallypassing fast, but very fruitfully. Yesterday I just came back from bangkok for my holidays. It was really nice and I am planning to go there again. Maybe go Angelina next year... I think though i never said itoutwardly she is one of my closest friends. Friends that can sit next to each other w/o speaking but still feel comforted by each others presence. Not everyone is this sort of friend but they are my true friends.

In life whats meant to be yours will be your and whats not meant for u will never be urs... Some times u know its meant to be urs but u refuse to admit it... trying to avoid it... but in the end it still comes back to u ... on the other hand certain aspects in my life i have been holding on really tightly not willing to let go... It just seems no matter how hard i try , whats not meant to be mine will not be mine so i decided to let go of it... maybe in the end i will be happier... I know sometimes in sucky cause u dun always get what u want.

2006-05-14T03:46:00.000+08:00

Today I had a pretty fun time with my cell group for the outing although i was pretty tired, considering that I came back from malaysia last night around 9. Met Pei Li, the 2 Samuels, henry, Yung and Chui Li at bedok before proceeding to Jing Min's house which was near Jurong to meet up with the rest ... Actually our initial plan was to play games at the Botanic Gardens, however it started raining so we ended up playing board games at her house. We also planned to cook dinner for the evening which was not something I was prepared for... So while half of the group went down to buy groceries, the rest of us went to Botanic Gardens when it had stopped drizzling. Its actually my first time going to Botanic Gardens so I was quite fascinated. The air there is just sooo fresh and I am so happy being surrounded by all the greeneries. I am breathing such fresh air and its such a blessing!!! We walked around the swan lake and I saw a swan (although it was black with a red beak), and lots of cute turtles... I just love nature...

When we went back we started cooking our dinner. Me and Pei Li were in charge of making the salad in which we added lettuce, cherry tomatoes, grapes, cut apples, hard boiled eggs and lots of mayonaise. It was quite a success... And one of the guys made the main course dish which was spaghetti. Esther made chicken wings and potato pie. Evelyn cooked Campbell soup.Actually sometimes in occasions like these I am sort of ashamed that my cooking is actually not really that good... My mother always wanted to teach me yet i am not interested, yet compared to alot of ppl my age, my cooking is considered better than theirs... I think I should practice more cooking. Its actually pretty fun. The time of sitting down together to have dinner was nice... But sometimes I feel I am not the very sociable type especially when it comes to big groups... I dun really have the gift of the gab and am not very good at projecting my voice. I prefer talking to a few ppl, but having meaningful deep conversations...

After that we had a memory verse quiz in which our girls team won with a score of 21-13 so we were given prizes and a tub of teh tarik ice cream which rox... This outing has made me get to know my cell group members a little bit better though sometimes I still feel distant from them .

Picture taken on last day of attachment!

2006-05-09T13:33:00.000+08:00

Me and a bunch of year 2s... had to wear this really crumpled shirt and pants for the infection control exercise!

2006-05-09T01:48:00.000+08:00

Last night had a really nice and long sleep. Something that I haven't been getting for a while. When I wake up suddenly the world seems brighter ... hehe... cause i woke up in good spirits. Usually when my body does not get enough rest I either turn out superbly blur until sometimes I cannot tahan myself, superbly cranky or superbly PMS mood day (superbly black face). I often envy those who after a few hours of sleep can still come the next day all chirpy and cheery.

Really excited about the malaysia trip tomorrow though there was some conflict. I guess I offended someone... though i would rather directly offend someone rather than back stab the person... Errrm... i guess both are just are bad. Though these are the ways of the world. Its hard not to pick up these habits. I know my sis said its more common to back stab someone than to directly confront and i should get used to it... But I still want to hang on to my naive thinking that if u are unhappy should say it out ... though I got to learn to say it assertively and not confrontationally... So I think the art of assertiveness is of most impt to survive in this world...